Watering things down

Posted on March 31, 2012

Having the time to reflect on what i want to contribute to the world while visiting my parents, i realized that i had been caught up in the watering things down trap. I am passionate about singles empowerment. And i offend some folks with that. Afraid of doing that – wanting to be liked by everybody (sigh, the same old story), i started to water down my message, including changing the name of my singles empowerment workshop to relationship empowerment workshop. I would reach a larger audience. And i lost interest. The other thing i tried to do was to find other places where a similar process was happening. Singles empowerment helps us step out of the cultural couplemanic paradigm. It teaches us the confidence to define relationships the way we want them to be, not the way culture dictates. So, it supports us in transitioning from a culture that is stifling to one that helps us thrive. That idea – and the tools i teach to implement it – can also be helpful in other areas, for example, when we go from a culture that is dominated by consumption to one that emphasizes community and interdependence. Or when we try to work cooperatively in our culture that is mostly based on domination. I thought about expanding my offerings to include those transitions (see April 10th here). Somehow i never quite got around to that.

Then on my flight back, i read a new book: “Liebe wird oft überbewertet” (“love is often overvalued”) by Christiane Rösinger (a little more about the book in German). It rekindled my passion! Especially as i got a kick out of Rösinger’s word for couplemania: “Pärchendiktatur” – dictatorship of the couple! I left my job in corporate America because i had stepped out of integrity – way out: My values were not at all in line with the company i was working for. I was doing it again. I am a singles activist. I critique marriage. Some people won’t like that but this is what i value, what i believe in. I will not transition to a new way of living only to sell myself short again in what i offer.

Of course, this might mean that i won’t be able to fully sustain myself offering singles empowerment workshops (read: i won’t be able to make enough money). So, i might compromise in other ways – like finding a job to enable me to be in full integrity with my contributions to the world. We’ll see. I am sure i’ll share more on this… I can already feel some anxiety welling up in me again, including about posting this…

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Gegen Pärchendiktatur

Posted on March 26, 2012

Es tut sich also auch was auf Deutsch um Singlismus zu bekämpfen (Singlismus ist meine Übersetzung von singlism, ein Wort von Bella DePaulo kreiert, um die Vorurteile gegen Singles zusammenzufassen – wie Rassimus oder Sexismus, nicht wie Feminismus…). Christiane Rösinger, die Sängerin der Band Lassie hat ein Buch herausgegeben und ihre Lesung wurde im Freitag besprochen. Die war wohl etwas oberflächlich und hat sich mehr über den normativen Zwang zum Paaren mokiert, das Buch selbst hört sich sehr interessant an:

Wer wissen wolle, wieso die RZB (Romantische Zweierbeziehung) überhaupt nur eine Erfindung des 18. Jahrhunderts ist, müsse sich allerdings das Buch kaufen, die Erklärung wäre hier in der aufgeheizten Atmosphäre thematisch zu trocken, schließlich handle es sich bei dem zweihundert Seiten starken Werk um ein Sachbuch.

Ich will allerdings etwas in Frage stellen: Warum gibt es denn nur die Paar-Alleinsein Alternativen? Das scheint hier suggeriert zu werden:

Hier spricht keine gerade Verlassene, die in ihrem Groll über den Ex-Freund auf alle sie umgebenden Pärchen schimpft, sondern eine gestandene Frau, die sich eingehend mit der Materie auseinandergesetzt hat, und ganz logisch zu dem Schluss gekommen ist, dass es besser ist, wenn wir alleine leben.

Zum normativen Zwang gehört auch, dass diese Alternative als die einzigen akzeptiert werden. Als Menschen sind wir aber soziale Wesen, die nicht ohne andere leben, oder zumindest gedeihen können. Ich hoffe, dass Christiane das auch in ihrem Buch beschreibt… Ich hab’s bestellt und werde es mal lesen…

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Sehnsucht

Posted on March 24, 2012

Mein Herz weint.
Die Tränen mischen sich mit dem Teich vor mir.
Mein Herz sehnt sich geliebt zu werden,
gesehen zu werden
für den Schmerze es fühlt.
Es will Mut haben, verletzlich zu sein,
sich nicht immer hinter der schweren Maske zu verstecken.
Ich kann nicht immer alles.
Mir bricht auch manchmal das Herz.

Mein Herz weint.
Es betrauert all die kleinen und großen Entscheidungen,
die mich jetzt im Schmerz sitzen lassen.
Ich will mich nicht mehr verstecken,
will ausdrücken, was ich fühle,
selbst wenn das unkonventionell ist.
Mein Herz hat Angst davor,
dass Leute dann weglaufen,
wenn sie lernen, dass
ich auch mal weine,
dass mein Herz auch mal bricht.

Mein Herz weint.
Es sehnt sich geliebt zu werden
ohne hinterfragt zu werden.
Es würde gerne akzeptiert werden,
so wie es ist,
selbst wenn das oft sehr imperfekt ist.
Selbst wenn es weint.
Selbst wenn es tanzt.
Selbst wenn es übermütig die Welt und alle liebt.

Mein Herz weint, weil die Tränen stecken bleiben.
Weil es sich schämt Gefühle nicht unter Kontrolle zu haben.
Es sehnt sich nach dem Mut, ohne Maske zu leben
und nicht mehr alleine zu sein.
Die Maske lässt niemand ran.
Dahinter versteckt sich all der Schmerz,
all die Lust,
all die Purzelbäume,
die mein Herz mit anderen tief verbinden würde.

Mein Herz weint, weil es so verdammt
schwer ist,
die Maske abzulegen.

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On Being Single as a Social Being

Posted on March 24, 2012

I’ve been spending the last 3 1/2 weeks visiting my parents in Germany. We are spending a lot of time together, reconnecting after not having seen each other for over 2 years. I’ve also reconnected with a high school friend who i hadn’t seen for almost 25 years. We hadn’t even talked until i took up email contact with him last summer. It’s all been very nourishing – and slightly confusing. Maybe not so slightly. Maybe it’s interacting with a man and experiencing our deep connection that has rekindled my longing, which to my dismay, has been taking on some rather couplemanic overtones. Continue reading →

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Where’s Home?

Posted on March 12, 2012

I grew up in Germany. And I’ve lived most of my adult life in the US. I studied in the US. I built friendships there. Now i am visiting my parents in Germany. And am getting all confused: Where’s home? Is home where i grew up, where i have an intuitive sense of belonging? Or is home where my friendship networks are even when the roots don’t seem as deep? How can i have this intuitive sense of belonging in a country in which i haven’t lived for 25 years? Is this the power of early attachment? And what makes a home a home anyways? Can i just simply declare anywhere “home” and feel at home there? Or does it take more? Continue reading →

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Love Experiments

Posted on February 24, 2012

As i am playing around with testing whether emotional freedom from cultural conditioning is possible, i have found a new edge for myself. I want to express my love for my friends – and somehow that is very scary, especially when the “I love you” is directed toward a man. Those three little words bring out all the anxieties stored from living in a couplemanic society. It’s as if i think that i can only express my love when it flows in the culturally approved channels! I can only love a man when we’re coupled. It doesn’t even seem possible to feel love differently.

There seem to be three things going on around this: I want to express myself, i want to be accepted in doing it, and i want to do it in a way that inspires rather than scares. My longing to express my love is motivated by wanting to create relationships how i want to rather than following some cultural paradigm. I long to do this out in the open, actually saying the words, not just through my acts. And i want to do that while holding the other person with care – the last thing i want to do is contribute to discomfort with an expression of love (even though i think it’s rather sad that an expression of love could contribute to discomfort!). I fear that if i do it, though, i will be viewed as an oddball and rejected (maybe out of the discomfort in the other). So, i want to still belong.

This, then, is where the whole irony of this is becoming obvious. Brené Brown suggests that “shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging” (39). I feel ashamed to express my love because i think that i am unworthy of love and belonging! And the antidote is the very thing i am too scared to do: Say “i love you”!

One idea a friend of mine and i came up with: Ask! So, even though i would prefer more spontaneity, i will play around with that – and ask more friends, especially male ones, things like “how would you feel if i told you “i love you”". And then we can talk about it. I could share why i am saying it – and at least try to explain that it doesn’t mean anything other than what it says – and we could deal with any discomfort that might come up. Who knows. Maybe that’ll start a revolution.

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