Acceptance

 Healing tools  No Responses »
Dec 292011
 

I have gotten pretty good at recognizing the voice that shames me. Well, i don’t recognize it all the time or as quickly as i would like to. Eventually, though, i realize that “oh, there’s this voice telling me that i am not xyz enough.” Whatever xyz is. It’s there almost all the time. And i am hoping that it’ll become easier for me to differentiate myself from it. To not view it as The Truth.

What i hadn’t noticed until today is that there’s another voice that tears other things apart very similarly. It’s not sunny enough where i live. It’s too noise (not quiet enough). A friend of mine isn’t emailing me enough. Or not considerate enough. Drivers aren’t safe enough. And on and on it goes.

Underneath it all seems to be a strong resistance toward resisting what is. My friend is emailing me when he does. The sun shines when it’s not cloudy (and not nighttime). It is as it is.

The idea that we are not xyz enough is closely tied to shame. We are simply not worthy because we’re not xyz enough. Is the part that is judging everything else as not enough just the other side of the coin? If i fully accept who i am, shame has a hard time creeping in. If i fully accept life, i am building shame resilience within and without. And i can be fully present to life – instead of getting lost in wishing that things were different than they are.

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Emotional Freedom

 Community Building, Pilgrimage, Singles By Choice  No Responses »
Dec 282011
 

For 2012, my intention is to explore the question: Is emotional freedom from cultural conditioning possible? My plan is to investigate this not only theoretically. I want to really push up against my own edges and boundaries and see what is possible. I already found that my pilgrimage plans were scaring me so much that i decided to slow down the pace. Maybe this pilgrimage will take two years instead of one. Maybe i will keep a place for rent, though it’ll be smaller than where i live now. That’s one of the forms of cultural imprinting that i’ll look at: How important is it to have a physical place we might call “home”? Can i live without one and be at home wherever i go? This ties in directly with another cultural message: You are what you own. Consumerism is rampant, not only during “the holidays.” Can i free myself from stuff? How much stuff is enough? Right now, as i am downsizing again, i am noticing an ambivalent attachment to my things: On the one hand, i enjoy letting go of things, celebrate the increased space. And on the other hand, there are some things i cannot imagine living without. At least not in a place i call “home.” So, maybe the two are related… Both of these are connected with yet another cultural message: Our rewards are externally visible. Our worth seems to depend on the size of our investment account(s). Instead, i want to continue to nurture my sense of self-worth through self-appreciation and building a meaningful life with a purpose.

I have been working quite a bit on the last two cultural boxes i want to continue to examine in 2012. Both are related to how we view relationships. Culture tells us that we are only a mature adult if we’re in a coupled relationship, preferably one that is sanctioned by culture as marriage. I want to continue to empower myself and others to define our relationships in ways that nurture us, that meet our needs in ways that are life-affirming. Connected to that is an exploration into the sex-negative messages in our culture that tightly weave together intimacy, sensuality, and sexuality – often equating all three. I am in the process of untangling that, which sometimes is a bit confusing because i have learned, for example, that cuddling with a man i am not in a coupled relationship with isn’t okay (because it will lead to sex – that cuddling can just be cuddling seems to be impossible).

While i am pushing my own boundaries, i will be developing my right livelihood, which will teach us – yes, me included – how we can rewire our brains to affirm our choices that go against the dominant culture’s grain. Based on my research – i love that i can write this now – i can say that we cannot live in new ways simply by making that choice. Dominant culture is way too ingrained in us, in fact, it’s wired into our brains! So, instead of chastising ourselves for not “being the change,” we can learn to untangle ourselves from the cultural messages and in the process literally rewire our brains. I’ll share more about this as i develop my ideas!

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More on Celibacy

 Singles By Choice  1 Response »
Dec 262011
 

More than a year ago, i first blogged about my choice to remain celibate as well as a single by choice (yes, you can be single and non-celibate! One does not imply the other). Then, i started to read a book it – mostly looking for an answer to the question “what do i do with all that sexual energy?!?” That does not go away just because we decide to be celibate… As i pointed out in my previous post, flamenco just isn’t my thing – yet, i love to folk dance and i’ve noticed that a lot of my needs are getting met while dancing, especially in folk dancing since that requires the whole village, most of the time.

Then i stumbled onto a free belly dance class. I didn’t even think about it as an outlet for that energy… Slowly, i am realizing that it is! The movements are very sensual – i guess there is a reason why men find it so sexy… And i am really enjoying learning to move parts of my body i usually don’t move – like my hips or even my shoulders. It turns out to be much harder than it looked at first. I even started doing some drills (we’ll see how long that’ll last ;-) ). It’s all about isolating certain parts of our bodies while holding others still.

Whether this is making celibacy any easier or not, i don’t know, partly because it wasn’t difficult for me to begin with. I know my energy comes in cycles, and the sexual variety isn’t any different. I am having fun, though, exploring a new way of moving my body. And i get to listen to some of the music that i’ve been enjoying already. Just the dance moves have changed.

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Unhappy Holidays

 Activism, Religion  2 Responses »
Dec 242011
 

This time of the year is always difficult for me. I tend to disappear in all the “holiday cheer.” I don’t celebrate Christmas. I don’t believe in a God, Christian or otherwise. Yet, when you wish me “Merry Christmas,” you don’t see that part of me. And that hurts. “Happy holidays” sounds hallow, too. There are no holidays i celebrate around this time. The inner voices then tell me to just “get into the spirit,” which i guess means ignoring myself, too. So, feel free to call me a scrooge. This year i won’t disappear.

I could celebrate winter solstice. I do enjoy that it means that the days are getting longer again. Yet, i also know that it marks the beginning of winter for the rain (or snow) falls heaviest in January through March – here in the Northern hemisphere. I really celebrate the appearance of berries at the farmers’ market. That marks the end of winter. And i don’t like winter. It’s dark and cold. Yeah, yeah, time to cuddle up in front of the fire. I’d rather be outside in the warm spring sun!

This post sounds like a big complaint. In a way it is. I am just tired of holding it all in, of pretending that i like this season because everybody else claims they do (and many don’t really). I wonder what would happen if those of us who aren’t enjoying winter speak up and say so. I wonder what would happen if those of us who don’t celebrate holidays around this time would stop pretending. And i wonder what might emerge instead. Maybe there is a way of being during this season that honors all of this – after all no matter how much i don’t like the shorter days and the rain, they won’t go away! They might be easier to bear if i can say “i don’t like them and i still do something to enjoy life.” Let’s see what the something will be that emerges out of this authenticity.

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Scared Inside

 Pilgrimage, Transition  2 Responses »
Nov 292011
 

So the adventure begins. And it hasn’t even really started yet. I am just thinking about it. Okay, and i am doing some research and planning. What adventure, you ask? The adventure that i now call community pilgrimage. I am planning to stay at various intentional communities in 2012 to learn more about communal living – and see how living in community can meet needs for intimacy and sensuality, especially for singles by choice, in ways that are different from the standard coupled relationship model. And i might give up a permanent place to live while i am at it. That’s where most of the anxiety comes from. Somehow a permanent place gives a sense of security – a place to go back to. Even when i live in earthquake country. Even when i often don’t really feel at home here.

I am trying to simply hold the fear, realizing that it is part of the growth that i am after. Letting go of attachments. Letting go. There are other options. I could just sublet. The question that keeps bubbling up, though is: Why can’t i be normal? Why can’t i be happy with a 9-5 job? Why do i keep going on these adventures? Ah, yes. The job i had was killing me, slowly draining my life out of me. I want meaning and purpose – and i didn’t find that in corporate America. I want to contribute to the world in ways that make life on Earth just a tad bit better – not by filling the coffers of the 1%. Given the current system, this requires stepping off the beaten path and making my own. And that’s scary sometimes. Nah. It’s scary often. Except that we don’t talk about it. Because those of us who stepped off are supposed to be courageous. I guess we are. Just not all the time. At least i am not. So, i decided to be vulnerable because i am no longer willing to pay the price of not doing that. Even if that means that my first post on my adventure is a meandering scared ramble.

To paraphrase Thich Nhat Hanh with some Robert Gonzales thrown in:

Breathing in, i notice that i am scared.
Breathing out, i hold the fear with compassion.

There is nothing to do, nothing to change. Being scared is okay. Even as a grown-up. The amazing thing is that the fear lessens as soon as i acknowledge it. It doesn’t want to be pushed away. It wants to be seen. Just like the human being who experiences it…

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Dance of Acceptance

 Healing tools  3 Responses »
Nov 252011
 

The same thing happened last year: I was super excited about an annual folk dance festival that takes place the two days after Thanksgiving. I was excited, planning to be there the whole time – until it was time to go. Then i came up with all sorts of reasons for not going. Last year, i simply decided that changing my mind was okay. This year, i wanted to know why i was changing my mind again. I could sense some fear in my body.

So, i spent some time today trying to figure out what that fear is about. What bubbled up first was fear around changing my mind: “What will others think! I keep doing this! I should be more reliable!” That’s what i was telling myself. Using Kathleen Macferran‘s approach for digging deeper into my thoughts to find a core belief, i noticed that there is fear that i’ll be all alone. And then, deep underneath, there was “people don’t like me!” (and that’ll be my fault because i keep changing my mind…). Sarah Peyton has developed a process that utilizes Nonviolent Communication together with interpersonal neurobiology. Basically, we repeat the core belief – people don’t like me – out loud and guess the feelings and needs underneath it. Several times. That was terrifying to me, at least at first. Slowly, the terror turned into fear and then a core need emerged: Unconditional acceptance.

I went on to do something else. Letting things bubble some more. I remembered again how i had felt lonely at times during last year’s festival. Again, there was fear around that. Back to digging. I end up alone because i don’t really belong in the folk dance community – i just don’t dance good enough. So, i was telling myself. And around and around that thinking went until i had enough and decided to just sit in meditation (gently reminded to breath by a computer app i am testing). During that meditation the question arose: “If i am the only one in the world who accepts me, will that be enough?” To my amazement the answer is “yes, it will be enough!” Not only that: Self-acceptance is the foundation on which other people’s acceptance can rest!

After that shift, i felt energized! I changed into my most colorful dance clothes, ironed a blouse for tomorrow, and will soon go off to take part in the parties. If i don’t do the steps perfectly, so what? I accept that.

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