Mourning how hard it is for me to hear
that i matter to someone
that someone enjoys my presence.
My mind scans the environment
to find evidence that disproves
that i matter.
The look of a stranger
is interpreted as disapproval.
A friend’s shifting plans
are seen as not mattering.
A surprise connection
is ignored because
it does not fit with
my mattering.
I can’t possibly be
lovable.
It can’t be true that
people care about me
that i matter.
They’ll go away again.
Soon.
They always do.
And then i’ll be back in
the lonely hole of shame
behind the mask that
hides my pain.
The fear of opening up
to the love
is closing my heart.
It’s too dangerous to feel.
And yet i am tired of
living with a closed heart.
So maybe i can take a risk.
Just for five minutes today.
And believe that
i matter
i am lovable
even without reminders
without mirrors.
Just the way i am.
What others do (or not do)
does not call this into question.
I matter. No matter what.
And maybe tomorrow
i’ll believe it for 6 minutes.
Just like that.
Opening the door to my heart.

Jan 162012
 

It is the mask i carry
to hide my pain.
My story is that
it helps me to stay connected.
If you saw what’s underneath,
you’d run screaming.
It is hard to connect with The Face
since it keeps me from seeing
the love and care
that is flowing from you.
Removing The Face,
my reservoir of mattering
is slowly filling up again.
It has cracks.
The love is not contained.
It flows into me
through me
back out into the world.
That is power.
To know my mattering
To know that i am loved.
To love.
In community, the reservoir
doesn’t dry out again.
The Face cannot sustain itself
without a drought.
Feeling the love
i can step into my power.

 

I think it was George Lakoff who suggested that the “health care” debate would have gone differently if we had called the system sickness profiteering. It describes this system better, he argued, because there’s neither health nor care in it.

I remembered his words today as i was learning that insurance doesn’t really insure that i would get the care i need (something i knew already, at least theoretically). With a clogged up ear for two days that was starting to hurt again, i saw someone in my doctor’s office. She prescribed three things: eardrops for the pain, a nasal spray to declog me, and antibiotic eardrops to prevent the infection from getting worse. So far so good. She sent the scripts to a pharmacy a few blocks away. I walked there, stood in line for a bit, and then found out that they no longer contract with my insurance company. I wasn’t exactly thrilled by that but thought that i’d rather have the meds and go home for a nap than do anything else. I asked the person helping me how much it would cost me. All three meds would be $300! That was way over my budget, so i asked him to tell me how much each med was. It turned out that the antibiotic was the most expensive. Exactly the med i most needed (assuming this really is a bacterial infection, which is another story…). So, i asked if he could transfer the scripts to a different pharmacy. He could and he did. Except that this other pharmacy was two steep hills away – and i walked there, getting somewhat exhausted on a low-grade fever. Except that this other pharmacy was swamped with transfer prescriptions from that big chain pharmacy that no longer had a contract with a major insurance company. I would get my meds in two days. Not sure if it was my pointing out that i had an acute ear infection or my tears of frustration that convinced the person at the counter that he could expedite the process. He got it down to about an hour and a half. It took longer because they called the insurance company to find out if it indeed was true that they weren’t covering the antibiotic. So, over $150 later, i am hoping that the antibiotic really is necessary – after all this might be a viral infection – and will indeed speed up my healing.

Overall, this was a reminder of why the critique of systems is so necessary while holding the people in them with compassion. At least the two men who had helped me at the pharmacies were tremendously helpful. They were just as frustrated about the system. If insurance would work the way it is supposed to, it would help me care for my health. If there were no profit to be made from people being sick, medications would be affordable even without insurance. And, yes, i could have done my research still in the doctor’s office by calling the insurance company to find out the prices of the meds and then asked my doctor to prescribe something less expensive or something that had been on the market long enough for a generic to be available. Though when i am sick, the last thing i want to do is do research. I just want to get well again. You know, like, healthy.

 

My intention for 2012 is to show up authentically and vulnerable – and to hold myself with acceptance and compassion when i get scared to do so. My intention for 2012 is to step into my power – and realize that being strong doesn’t mean to be perfect or not to show weakness.

My recent bout with insomnia helped me realize that i am terrified to admit that i am tired, that i want rest or take a break. Because somehow that didn’t fit into my picture of stepping into my power! So, my intention for 2012 is to embrace all of me – flaws and all! Whether i can sleep or not…

Happy New Year!

 

I have gotten pretty good at recognizing the voice that shames me. Well, i don’t recognize it all the time or as quickly as i would like to. Eventually, though, i realize that “oh, there’s this voice telling me that i am not xyz enough.” Whatever xyz is. It’s there almost all the time. And i am hoping that it’ll become easier for me to differentiate myself from it. To not view it as The Truth.

What i hadn’t noticed until today is that there’s another voice that tears other things apart very similarly. It’s not sunny enough where i live. It’s too noise (not quiet enough). A friend of mine isn’t emailing me enough. Or not considerate enough. Drivers aren’t safe enough. And on and on it goes.

Underneath it all seems to be a strong resistance toward resisting what is. My friend is emailing me when he does. The sun shines when it’s not cloudy (and not nighttime). It is as it is.

The idea that we are not xyz enough is closely tied to shame. We are simply not worthy because we’re not xyz enough. Is the part that is judging everything else as not enough just the other side of the coin? If i fully accept who i am, shame has a hard time creeping in. If i fully accept life, i am building shame resilience within and without. And i can be fully present to life – instead of getting lost in wishing that things were different than they are.

 

For 2012, my intention is to explore the question: Is emotional freedom from cultural conditioning possible? My plan is to investigate this not only theoretically. I want to really push up against my own edges and boundaries and see what is possible. I already found that my pilgrimage plans were scaring me so much that i decided to slow down the pace. Maybe this pilgrimage will take two years instead of one. Maybe i will keep a place for rent, though it’ll be smaller than where i live now. That’s one of the forms of cultural imprinting that i’ll look at: How important is it to have a physical place we might call “home”? Can i live without one and be at home wherever i go? This ties in directly with another cultural message: You are what you own. Consumerism is rampant, not only during “the holidays.” Can i free myself from stuff? How much stuff is enough? Right now, as i am downsizing again, i am noticing an ambivalent attachment to my things: On the one hand, i enjoy letting go of things, celebrate the increased space. And on the other hand, there are some things i cannot imagine living without. At least not in a place i call “home.” So, maybe the two are related… Both of these are connected with yet another cultural message: Our rewards are externally visible. Our worth seems to depend on the size of our investment account(s). Instead, i want to continue to nurture my sense of self-worth through self-appreciation and building a meaningful life with a purpose.

I have been working quite a bit on the last two cultural boxes i want to continue to examine in 2012. Both are related to how we view relationships. Culture tells us that we are only a mature adult if we’re in a coupled relationship, preferably one that is sanctioned by culture as marriage. I want to continue to empower myself and others to define our relationships in ways that nurture us, that meet our needs in ways that are life-affirming. Connected to that is an exploration into the sex-negative messages in our culture that tightly weave together intimacy, sensuality, and sexuality – often equating all three. I am in the process of untangling that, which sometimes is a bit confusing because i have learned, for example, that cuddling with a man i am not in a coupled relationship with isn’t okay (because it will lead to sex – that cuddling can just be cuddling seems to be impossible).

While i am pushing my own boundaries, i will be developing my right livelihood, which will teach us – yes, me included – how we can rewire our brains to affirm our choices that go against the dominant culture’s grain. Based on my research – i love that i can write this now – i can say that we cannot live in new ways simply by making that choice. Dominant culture is way too ingrained in us, in fact, it’s wired into our brains! So, instead of chastising ourselves for not “being the change,” we can learn to untangle ourselves from the cultural messages and in the process literally rewire our brains. I’ll share more about this as i develop my ideas!

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