In his book Program or Be Programmed, Douglas Rushkoff points out that digital technology reduces everything to zeros and ones. This reductionism seems to be filtering into the rest of our lives: We make choices between zeros and ones – and gray shades are disappearing. One example he points to is “married and single.” He does not explore this further – because that’s not the topic of his book. I want to explore this particular reductionism further, though, for it seems to be at the center of couplemania. We are either coupled – and with that happy and whole – or we are single – and then alone and missing something. The gray shades have disappeared (though maybe they are coming back…).

What we lost with the gray shades are the opportunities to define relationships in ways that serve us. Instead there is only one relationship – the coupled one. And we’re either in it or not. Zero or one, actually, being single would be zero… If we would go beyond this reduction, all sorts of opportunities would open up. We could deepen our friendships by acknowledging the intimacy that happens (no, intimacy does not equal sexual expression…). We could be coupled with someone and not live together. Our relationships would be as diverse and complex as we are. Maybe this would also lessen the stress on a coupled relationship and reduce the anxiety around being single. Because we could find and give support in all of our relationships – none of them would be “just friendships.”

Whether Rushkoff is correct with his claim of causality around the digital having entered our minds, moving beyond seeing things as either-or options can open us up to possibilities that we haven’t imagined before. Any relationship would be up to the people involved to define and to live. Just imagining such a world, i am filled with joy from the sense of freedom this gives me!