I grew up in Germany. And I’ve lived most of my adult life in the US. I studied in the US. I built friendships there. Now i am visiting my parents in Germany. And am getting all confused: Where’s home? Is home where i grew up, where i have an intuitive sense of belonging? Or is home where my friendship networks are even when the roots don’t seem as deep? How can i have this intuitive sense of belonging in a country in which i haven’t lived for 25 years? Is this the power of early attachment? And what makes a home a home anyways? Can i just simply declare anywhere “home” and feel at home there? Or does it take more?

Spending time in the country of my origin, i am noticing the fruits of my inner work. In the past, when i spent considerable time with my parents, i got triggered right and left. Yes, the triggers still happen – and somehow i can stay self-connected most of the time, returning to the observer role, raising questions like the above. This distance is helping me explore, learn, and grow.

And yet, there is this confusion. It feels uncomfortable. My brain’s left hemisphere wants answers, wants to make sense of things. Something as simple as “home” shouldn’t be this complicated. Then i am trying to just stay with the confusion. Maybe that’s what i am supposed to be learning right now: To just accept that i don’t know, even when that’s messy. There does seem to be a mental construct “home” at work here. And then there seems to be a pre-verbal connection here. It’s familiar here. The sounds of the language are familiar, the smells, the tastes. This is intuitive knowing, something i used to push away. Now i am looking at it even when it’s not making much sense.

This also reminds me of a question i was asked a couple days ago: How could i hold such seemingly regressive ideas that i should marry with such progressive parents? The answer is in similar intuitive knowing: Everybody gets married – this just is the thing to do. It wasn’t rational knowing, nothing i had thought through. It was just somewhere in my system. It still is, actually, that’s why i still struggle with singlist thoughts that suggest that i am less than a coupled person. Both of these examples show the power of early childhood cultural imprinting: It’s there and it’s influencing our behavior even when we’re not aware of it.