What is in a word?
According to Reverso, these are synonyms for unmarried:
bachelor, celibate, maiden, on the shelf, single, unattached, unwed, unwedded, virgin
Celibate? Virgin? Unattached? Unless I’ve replicated virgin birth, I am obviously no longer a virgin because I have a child. Why does a single person have to be celibate? And what’s up with being on the shelf? As if being unmarried means that you cannot possibly live your life; you are waiting to be picked. Only then can you get off the shelf to finally enjoy life. What matrimanical bs!
But it gets worse. Throw in unmarried woman at thesaurus.com and this is what you get:
bachelor girl, fuddy-duddy, goody-goody, lone woman, maiden, prig, prude, single woman, spinster, unmarried woman
Of course! An unmarried woman has to be lone and prude! Why didn’t I think about that! And, btw, the main entry for unmarried woman is “old maid.” Pretty telling. Because women before 80 are all married, right?
Remove the woman and it gets even worse:
by oneself, companionless, friendless, in solitary, individual, me and my shadow, me myself and I, on one’s own, single, solitary, stag, unaccompanied, unaided, unassisted, unescorted, unmarried
If you’re unmarried, you don’t have friends, you don’t get any help, and you never have company. That’s for unmarried (using main entry “solo”)! Scrolling down to main entry “alone,” we find
abandoned, batching it, by itself/oneself, companionless, deserted, desolate, detached, forlorn, forsaken, friendless, hermit, in solitary, individual, isolated, lone, lonely, lonesome, me and my shadow, me myself and I, on one’s own, onliest, only, shag, single, sole, solitary, solo, stag, traveling light, unaccompanied, unaided, unassisted, unattached, unattended, unescorted, unmarried, widowed
Alone is not lonely, far from it. It certainly does not mean that someone deserted or abandoned me! And what’s up with this “me and my shadow, me myself and I”? Being single is so horrible that we have artificially create a group? Of course that’s also pretty pathetic because we’re so desparate for companion that we start talking to our reflection in the mirror.
Clearly, we have a long way to go if the words that are associated with single or unmarried are such negatively laden things as “forsaken.” Gee, if that’s what comes up for “alone,” what will lonely be? Oh, sure enough, it’s single (among other things…). Notice again that they’re mixing words that are negative and those that could be positive, like the juxtaposition of lonely and alone. Edwards and Hoover define loneliness in chapter 4 of their book “The Challenge of Being Single” like this (p. 79):
Briefly, loneliness can be defined as an acute longing for companionship, a feeling of bleakness, of isolation, and of being cut off from others in an uncomfortable, even despairing way. Being alone, on the other hand, means simply being by one’s self. It can make you miserable – if you can only see it in terms of loneliness – or it can be quite enjoyable, a source of infinite possibilities once you appreciate the positive uses of being by yourself.
Loneliness has nothing to do with being alone, by oneself, secluded, or solitary – as anybody who has felt desperately alone in a relationship can attest to. Yet, the thesaurus writers throw it together with being alone. What a sad reflection of our cultural assumptions!
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stereotypes such as these always exist. the few of us who think out of the box need to grit our teeth and bear with it. we have a loooooooooooooooong way to go before the world stopped associating alone with lonely
sigh!
Great idea, April! I filed a “incorrect information” message with the following:
Rachel, I think you need to send this to the makers of thesaurus.com. It’s not going to change until we start taking a stand!
Your point that ALONE DOES NOT EQUAL loneliness is what we need to highlight here. Our culture equates the two…but the fact remains, that loneliness is a spiritual reality. We are driven to fall in love in hopes that this loneliness will dissapate, but it doesn’t…in marriage, in friendship, in productive and meaningful work, we still will feel lonely. Instead of trying to “fix” it…I think we need to embrace it!
Oh, that’s a good take on “me and my shadow”!
“…a single man desperate to find a woman and settle down just because that is what life is supposed to be like.” This is one of the things that makes me so angry! How many people end up in unhappy conjugal relationships/marriage just because we’re supposed to couple up! I know I have been there!
Maybe it is time to create a new word to get away from all that baggage! Onely is certainly a good option. The disadvantage of using a new word is that you have to explain yourself. Although maybe that’s the advantage – if I use a word like “spinster” people might just assume that they know what I am talking about…
Ahhhhh. I kinda like “me and my shadow” because in solitude I can really hear my own voice and enjoy my own company.
I think it would be nice to come up with a word for positive single living which isn’t gender specific. Because, while I do notice that most of us happily single bloggers are female, I think that we have a lot in common with our male counterparts . . . more than we might think. Single men are stereotyped as being shallow or just wanting to get laid or not being grown up and I’ve met plenty a single man desperate to find a woman and settle down just because that is what life is supposed to be like.
Hmmmmm. I guess I would just go with Lisa and Cristina’s “Onely” (onely.org) which could be used as an adjective or a noun.
YES! Thanks, won! 🙂
My synonym for unmarried is:
happy.