Tools for Breaking the Rules
As i am using Nonviolent Communication less as a tool to deal with self-judgments (the underlying needs are always the same: self-acceptance and self-worth with some belonging thrown in), i am using meditation more. This is helping me to see the way i mistreat myself. However, until my latest “crash,” i had forgotten about another tool, a potent anti-dote to self-judgments: Lovingkindness (metta) meditation. Unlike the Western teachers i have learned from, Dipa Ma recommends that we proceed through stages, which are described in Amy Schmidt’s book about Dipa Ma. Only when we’ve mastered all four stages can we combine them in one sitting. This combination is what most Westerners teach. Stage 1 directs metta toward ourselves. Stage 2 sends lovingkindness to a friend or teacher. In Stage 3, we take a group of sufferers into our heart. And in stage 4, metta is directed toward all beings. I have been including a 10-minute stage 1 practice in my morning meditations.
The lovingkindness seems to help me experience the self-judgments differently, allowing me to adapt more tools. For example, i have started talking back to the voices. As i was typing the first sentence of this paragraph, i noticed the discomfort in my stomach that usually accompanies self-judgments. So, i stopped and listened more closely because most of the time my self-judgments are barely audible making them more toxic. The first step, therefore, is to bring them to light. I heard a voice snarling “why are you sharing this? trying to show what an enlightened meditator you are?!?” I responded “no, i am sharing this because i decided that this is something i can do to help others, remember?” That shut the voice up long enough for me to type this up. Now it came back with “who do you think you are?!?”
That’s when i employed another tool: A rather gory image that came to me yesterday when i was beating myself up. I saw myself stabbing myself into the heart. Repeatedly. That sure woke me up out of the trance! These judgments are like stabs into the heart! I stopped immediately. Of course, stopping mid-thought doesn’t always work but when it does, it’s pretty healing to experience the silence in the mind.
Because the judging voices deep-down need acceptance, i am also trying to use the self-judgments as a mindfulness bell of sorts. When i notice myself judging, including other people, i remind myself that i am worthy of love and belonging and imagine washing myself in self-acceptance.
Since i’ve only used these tools for a few days, i have no idea whether they will help consistently. I did test them during a couple vicious attacks yesterday. That helped me come up with another tool: Viewing a self-judgment episode as giving me the opportunity to practice this! This way lessens the chances that i judge myself for judging myself…
Underneath all of these tools is my understanding that i am dealing with cultural trauma. The self-judgments are the internalized voices of cultural normative pressures (increasingly enforced by pop-culture), many designed to keep me docile, in good-girl-mode. So aside from their painfulness, i want to hold self-judgments differently because that allows me to move closer to inner freedom, which is the basis of designing my life more sustainably for myself and the planet.
What tools have you found helpful when counteracting self-judgments?
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western culture shames us for violent expressions, but then builds and drops mega-bombs on symbolic-yet-living ‘others’. today’s reality plays out how killing others is ultimately killing ourselves…we are all really all ONE….
self-judgment really IS that powerful, isn’t it?! ram dass emphasizes the ‘one-ness’ of all of us: what we feel towards ourselves reflects what w feel toward others, and v.v….trying to make sense out of the horrible violence playing out in israel-gaza, i can see each side’s self-hatred showing up as other-hatred. i believe all these kinds of violence come out of the frustration of not having support and acceptance anywhere to express frustrations and anger SAFELY…meaning directed at a symbol yet physically done, like beating a pillow, while being supported by loving witnesses. the absolute dualism our culture confuses us with about violence brings to life the horrors of crime and war which inevitably lead to self destruction. instead, why not admit and accept humans’ violent response to pain while lovingly directing it out safely, to free up the world for TRULY FREE LOVE !
Yes! I noticed that on the “small scale,” too, as i caught myself judging others who displayed trades i’d like to have (like having the self-confidence to dance by myself on a dance floor). And tying this back to the large scale conflict in Gaza reminds me again that the personal is political (unless we forget the larger implications!).
And your comment reminded me of something someone pointed out on Facebook: If we don’t stop war, war will stop us!
(I’ve combined your comments into one…)