That Marriage Thing
Instead, I was busy reading, and sometimes commenting on, some of the blog posts that turned up – and, to my excitement – were rather critical of this whole marriage-focus as well. Bella DePaulo chimed in, pointing out that the case actually argues for the expansion of rights to everyone, not just married couples, though that’s missed by most. And, she asks, why do we even need to be coupled to benefit. Nancy Polikoff explained why using children’s welfare as an argument for marriage is a strange choice (and actually illogical, I might add). Through her blog, I discovered Scot Nakagawa‘s article, which eloquently points out that the work toward marriage expansion to same-sex couples contains some troubling elements, including leaving out those of us who don’t want to get married, thus creating more injustice (or simply maintaining it). He elaborates on this in a well-worth watching Democracy Now interview.
The theme of exclusion was picked up by the Feminist Philosophers’ blog, which also reminded us of the strained relation between the Human Rights Campaign and the trans* community. Exploring that further, I read some accounts of pervasive transphobia, which might also explain HRC’s single-minded focus on marriage equality.
Overall, I’ve been reminded of why I find this focus on marriage problematic: It plays on the normative pressures of our culture that are highly discriminatory. By including some more folks into the married pool, we continue to exclude others. If we claim that marriage is all about love, that seems to be especially unloving!
Because of all this and after seeing way too many red equal signs on Facebook, I created this graphic. It’s inspired by a mug I have from the Alternatives to Marriage Project (now Unmarried Equality). Feel free to use it!
I know there was lots more coverage, including critical thoughts, so feel free to share more resources in the comments. There are quite a few skeptics who doubt that marriage should be a ticket to privilege (and that list is a few years old now…)!
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……my point being: when we question the value of marriage, we question pretty much our entire civilization…………it’s taking on the super dragon…….’heavy’!!
That’s exactly what’s been happening to me! I started with questioning why *I* should be coupled, then realized it’s not just me (thanks to this book). So, I looked into the cultural connect and realized the normative pressure, which is so often missed. Once I’ve grasped that mechanism, I noticed that almost everything we consider “normal” in our “civilized” world stems from normative pressures. One of the key myths of civilization, as Daniel Quinn points out, is that there is only one right way to live. Thus, to be a “valuable adult,” we have to have a job (at least 40 hours per week), a car, a house, a spouse, 2.5 kids, etc. We should participate in shopping, always buying the newest gadgets. The kids have to learn the piano, play soccer, and do other extra-curricular activities. Etc. etc. etc. There’s little room for individuality, which is rather ironic because isn’t our society supposedly based on individuality?
(It seems that the choice of reaction to this, once we realize it, is either sarcasm or despair because it seems so all encompassing, it’s hard to imagine how to break free… At least without huge sacrifices…)
i have to resort to sarcasm, as i realize how long and hard we’ve been duped about the meaning, purpose and importance of marriage……..the list is endless: it’s the key to keeping men in power and women ‘in their place’….it’s the cheapest labor force without even revealing that it’s slavery……it’s the basis for ‘respectability’, especially for women (ha ha ha)….it’s ready-made instant sex for the husband……it’s ‘security’ for women (ho ho ho)…..it’s ‘legitimacy’ for kids……it’s the glue that keeps exploitative rulers in control of most of society…….
shall we continue?…one more ‘benefit’: it provides a predictable, guaranteed place for everyone within the rigid, unquestioned hierarchy……….
what’s not to to love??!! every girl gets to be ‘queen for a day’ with all the trappings, before she’s locked up for good……the ideal symbol of our superior civilization……the core nucleus of CIVILATION……bravo!
Great post, Rachel!