So the adventure begins. And it hasn’t even really started yet. I am just thinking about it. Okay, and i am doing some research and planning. What adventure, you ask? The adventure that i now call community pilgrimage. I am planning to stay at various intentional communities in 2012 to learn more about communal living – and see how living in community can meet needs for intimacy and sensuality, especially for singles by choice, in ways that are different from the standard coupled relationship model. And i might give up a permanent place to live while i am at it. That’s where most of the anxiety comes from. Somehow a permanent place gives a sense of security – a place to go back to. Even when i live in earthquake country. Even when i often don’t really feel at home here.

I am trying to simply hold the fear, realizing that it is part of the growth that i am after. Letting go of attachments. Letting go. There are other options. I could just sublet. The question that keeps bubbling up, though is: Why can’t i be normal? Why can’t i be happy with a 9-5 job? Why do i keep going on these adventures? Ah, yes. The job i had was killing me, slowly draining my life out of me. I want meaning and purpose – and i didn’t find that in corporate America. I want to contribute to the world in ways that make life on Earth just a tad bit better – not by filling the coffers of the 1%. Given the current system, this requires stepping off the beaten path and making my own. And that’s scary sometimes. Nah. It’s scary often. Except that we don’t talk about it. Because those of us who stepped off are supposed to be courageous. I guess we are. Just not all the time. At least i am not. So, i decided to be vulnerable because i am no longer willing to pay the price of not doing that. Even if that means that my first post on my adventure is a meandering scared ramble.

To paraphrase Thich Nhat Hanh with some Robert Gonzales thrown in:

Breathing in, i notice that i am scared.
Breathing out, i hold the fear with compassion.

There is nothing to do, nothing to change. Being scared is okay. Even as a grown-up. The amazing thing is that the fear lessens as soon as i acknowledge it. It doesn’t want to be pushed away. It wants to be seen. Just like the human being who experiences it…