In 1995, the Republican controlled Congress passed a law that would make it easier to deport permanent residents who were accused of a crime, even minor ones. I still remember hearing about this on the radio driving in my car. I can still see the dashboard. I was terrified. My ex-husband kept threatening me with “see you in jail.” What if he’d use this law to get me deported and thus separate me from my 4-year-old son? What if I then would no longer be able to protect him from his abusive father? I decided to become a U.S. citizen. At least that would keep me safe; at least that would allow me to stay in the country. It was an agonizing decision because I would lose my German citizenship. At some point, the realization that I’d be German even after that helped. I’d be able to get that citizenship back because my parents are German. I am German. So, I thought.

In 2018, that assumption is being tested. According to the German government, I am no longer German. I will have to reapply for my citizenship. I cannot even do a 2-week, unpaid internship without jumping through the hoops of an immigration system designed to keep people out, to keep me out of my home country.

In addition, there is hatred toward immigrants everywhere. Mostly it is directed against those immigrants who have the “wrong” skin color. I am white. I am still scared. I still feel unwelcome everywhere. I still feel invisible as a human being. That’s what it is really about: We are not treated as human beings, we’re being treated as annoying numbers, as people who are dangerous, who need to be kept away or else we’ll be poisoning the water and the gene pool. I was able to leave my abusive husband. I am not able to leave the haters. It seems like nowhere is safe anymore. I am not welcome anywhere.