On Being Single as a Social Being
Then today, i am spending the day by myself. I usually relish solitude, especially during times of confusion. I intend to spend most of today reflecting – in writing and while walking. Shortly after waking up, though, loneliness hit me: My parents had left early and i faced eating breakfast by myself. So, i worked with this during my morning pages. I began to understand that i am longing to matter. That sense has to come out of my own being – i know that intellectually and experientially. No other person can give it to me – and, yet, it is so much easier to hold onto my sense of mattering when i am with people who help me feel loved and cared for, who show me that i matter to them. I have friends who do this for me – and i love that and them! And i feel some exhaustion from maintaining those friendships. What i long for underneath is the ease and mutuality of reinforcing our sense of self-worth that i expect in a coupled relationship. I so want this outside of a coupled relationship because i want the resiliency of a friendship network instead of relying on one other person. After all, i am experiencing it during my visit with my parents: We share breakfast, which is a very nourishing way to start my day – in all the meanings of nourishment!
I remembered my interpretation of the type of dancing i enjoy: I prefer folk dances over couples dances. I enjoy communal dancing with spontaneous interactions over dancing with one other person. I don’t want a partner. I want a whole village!
Then the mourning comes up again: In this couplemanic culture, we don’t learn to create these kinds of networks. As much energy as i think i’ve been putting into my friendships, they still don’t lead to regularly shared breakfasts (for example). We still seem more individuals who sometimes interact than interdependent beings securely living in networks of people. In my dream, my vision, that way of living would provide us with the love and care we need as human beings combined with the ease and mutuality currently mostly reserved for coupled relationships (and, i guess, parent-child relationships…).
Now i wonder: How can i build (or find?) such a community? I have experienced it during retreats – and that is so fleeting. Now we’re all back in our regular lives as independent cells bouncing against each other virtually at pre-defined times. Nothing like the communal breakfasts i so long for.
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A few thoughts:
I think we’re all going to feel loneliness at one time or another, even if we feel like we belong to a community. I feel like I belong to several great communities, but it doesn’t mean I don’t ever feel lonely.
Also, I do think it’s interesting to think about the nourishment of morning breakfast. I rarely do this, but I have fond memories of Sunday brunches with friends. Maybe that is a benefit of marriage that we’ll rarely feel. And yes, as with everything else, it will be up to us to try and make those nourishing moments happen as often as we can.
I think the sense of wanting to matter is a common reason that people push themselves into relationships like round pegs in square holes.
Random thought though: Are you still jetlagged? It can last for weeks, subtly, and may affect your mood and personality.
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Hmm. I wonder why you think i am still jetlagged… Because i realize that i am a social being? Because i felt pain? It saddens me that we’re so scared of feeling pain that we have to find another explanation other than admitting that being lonely sucks. Also, i am hoping that it was clear that i am not advocating that we relief this loneliness by the normative push to couple. I want to acknowledge that we’re social beings, enjoy being with others, and find ways of doing that outside of the couple-paradigm. It’s not either being single or being coupled – there are variations, flavors, things in between, and beyond.
Incidentally, one reason why i enjoyed Eric Klinenberg’s book is because he, too, calls for stepping out of the single-couple dichotomy and develop social networks.