Mourning
Mourning that the wounds will never go away.
Mourning that they might rip open unexpectedly.
Mourning that i will never be innocent again.
Mourning that i will remain a survivor no matter how hard i try to ignore that part of my past. To forget. To move on.
Mourning that i just want to be held, that i don’t want to be a responsible grown up right now who swallows the tears. I just want to cry. I just want to mourn.
Mourn the part of me he took away forever.
Mourning that i can’t read certain things without everything coming back.
Mourning that i am still afraid.
Mourning that he is still there, in my life.
Mourning that there is no care.
Mourning that society doesn’t care. It’s our own fault. We shouldn’t have married the guy. Or maybe we’re just making it all up. Can’t you take a joke?
Mourning that there is no ethics of care that really deeply cares that heals our wounds because it says he can’t hurt you anymore. Ever. We won’t let him.
Mourning that he still can. The courts don’t say “stop, enough is enough.” They just say file a petition.
Mourning that it never ends.
Mourning that i will never heal. The wounds are still there. I might not notice them. Until i read something about the ethics of care. And then it all breaks open.
I can’t be strong right now. I just want to cry.
Mourning the drain of energy.
Mourning that i will have to heal again. Again. Again. Again. And it’s never quite well again. There always will be a wound.
Mourning that they might rip open unexpectedly.
Mourning that i will never be innocent again.
Mourning that i will remain a survivor no matter how hard i try to ignore that part of my past. To forget. To move on.
Mourning that i just want to be held, that i don’t want to be a responsible grown up right now who swallows the tears. I just want to cry. I just want to mourn.
Mourn the part of me he took away forever.
Mourning that i can’t read certain things without everything coming back.
Mourning that i am still afraid.
Mourning that he is still there, in my life.
Mourning that there is no care.
Mourning that society doesn’t care. It’s our own fault. We shouldn’t have married the guy. Or maybe we’re just making it all up. Can’t you take a joke?
Mourning that there is no ethics of care that really deeply cares that heals our wounds because it says he can’t hurt you anymore. Ever. We won’t let him.
Mourning that he still can. The courts don’t say “stop, enough is enough.” They just say file a petition.
Mourning that it never ends.
Mourning that i will never heal. The wounds are still there. I might not notice them. Until i read something about the ethics of care. And then it all breaks open.
I can’t be strong right now. I just want to cry.
Mourning the drain of energy.
Mourning that i will have to heal again. Again. Again. Again. And it’s never quite well again. There always will be a wound.
I am not quite sure if it was the juxtaposition of descriptions of deep caring – and the yearning for a caring society and the memory of deep non-caring and the knowledge that my ex can still abuse me via the courts in a system that obviously doesn’t care what damage it does. Whatever it was, reading a couple of chapters in Nel Noddings wonderful book Caring brought up a lot of pain that i thought i had long healed from. It is frustrating to realize that this will always be a part of me and that the wounds can break open unexpectedly.
And a day or so later, there was acceptance…
Thanks for sharing your personal process Rachel! I too have discovered this (much to my chagrin at an earlier time and now with a growing appreciation) in my own life … the events that trigger feelings and emotions that are part of my past. In recent years I’ve come to see that if I am happy with who I am now then the past has contributed to that. Two different ideas have provided me access to peace with my past. The first is a quote by Dag Hammarskjold, “For all that has been, thank you; for all that will be, yes.” The second is the movie, “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” with Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet, where the notion of erasing the bad memories we have had is explored and what is discovered that adjacent to bad memories are some of our greatest joys. When I go through my own emotional rehashes, this awareness has provided me with a sense of peace with my past and the depths of the downward spiral I used to experience have been significantly reduced. Here’s to living life forward and honoring the life we’ve lived!
Thank you, Donna Marie! A friend of mine shared a wonderful image with me last night: Our life is like a tapestry made out of all sorts of material – some is rough and raw and it can be right next to or even interwoven with soft and fuzzy stuff.
Acceptance was what i was mostly struggling with: accepting that this past is part of my life and will always be part of my life. But your comment reminded me to remember all the wonderful things that are part – and have been – parts of my life, too! 🙂