Love Flow
Mourning how hard it is for me to hear
that i matter to someone
that someone enjoys my presence.
My mind scans the environment
to find evidence that disproves
that i matter.
The look of a stranger
is interpreted as disapproval.
A friend’s shifting plans
are seen as not mattering.
A surprise connection
is ignored because
it does not fit with
my mattering.
I can’t possibly be
lovable.
It can’t be true that
people care about me
that i matter.
They’ll go away again.
Soon.
They always do.
And then i’ll be back in
the lonely hole of shame
behind the mask that
hides my pain.
The fear of opening up
to the love
is closing my heart.
It’s too dangerous to feel.
And yet i am tired of
living with a closed heart.
So maybe i can take a risk.
Just for five minutes today.
And believe that
i matter
i am lovable
even without reminders
without mirrors.
Just the way i am.
What others do (or not do)
does not call this into question.
I matter. No matter what.
And maybe tomorrow
i’ll believe it for 6 minutes.
Just like that.
Opening the door to my heart.
that i matter to someone
that someone enjoys my presence.
My mind scans the environment
to find evidence that disproves
that i matter.
The look of a stranger
is interpreted as disapproval.
A friend’s shifting plans
are seen as not mattering.
A surprise connection
is ignored because
it does not fit with
my mattering.
I can’t possibly be
lovable.
It can’t be true that
people care about me
that i matter.
They’ll go away again.
Soon.
They always do.
And then i’ll be back in
the lonely hole of shame
behind the mask that
hides my pain.
The fear of opening up
to the love
is closing my heart.
It’s too dangerous to feel.
And yet i am tired of
living with a closed heart.
So maybe i can take a risk.
Just for five minutes today.
And believe that
i matter
i am lovable
even without reminders
without mirrors.
Just the way i am.
What others do (or not do)
does not call this into question.
I matter. No matter what.
And maybe tomorrow
i’ll believe it for 6 minutes.
Just like that.
Opening the door to my heart.
This is beautiful Rachel! It brought to mind my own discovery in a series of posts I refer to as Free to Be Single (excerpt from http://goo.gl/6RUy6):