Love Flow

Mourning how hard it is for me to hear
that i matter to someone
that someone enjoys my presence.
My mind scans the environment
to find evidence that disproves
that i matter.
The look of a stranger
is interpreted as disapproval.
A friend’s shifting plans
are seen as not mattering.
A surprise connection
is ignored because
it does not fit with
my mattering.
I can’t possibly be
lovable.
It can’t be true that
people care about me
that i matter.
They’ll go away again.
Soon.
They always do.
And then i’ll be back in
the lonely hole of shame
behind the mask that
hides my pain.
The fear of opening up
to the love
is closing my heart.
It’s too dangerous to feel.
And yet i am tired of
living with a closed heart.
So maybe i can take a risk.
Just for five minutes today.
And believe that
i matter
i am lovable
even without reminders
without mirrors.
Just the way i am.
What others do (or not do)
does not call this into question.
I matter. No matter what.
And maybe tomorrow
i’ll believe it for 6 minutes.
Just like that.
Opening the door to my heart.

This is beautiful Rachel! It brought to mind my own discovery in a series of posts I refer to as Free to Be Single (excerpt from http://goo.gl/6RUy6):

“I used to think that I needed someone to choose me in order to feel loved. I discovered this search left me feeling sad & unhappy as no guy ever did enough to make me feel loved (secure & safe) or they ended up not ‘choosing’ me which felt like the ultimate rejection. After many (too many to mention) of those experiences I learned I had been rejecting myself … I couldn’t feel loved since I didn’t love myself. That’s when I went within and began loving all the parts of me.”

As I saw my words in black and white, I was struck by the notion of ‘choosing’ and ‘accepting’ myself. I’ve been doing this in the past few years yet I had never expressed it quite like this. Seeing it in this way caused a shift inside me, further dismantling the conversation I had for most of my adult life and was on display when I’d been so busy hooking up with people, breaking up and feeling not being chosen by them. The fact is this, as long as I put the choosing, accepting and loving in the hands of another, I was miserable. I had essentially given up responsibility for my happiness and joy to someone else. No other can choose me if I don’t choose me. No other can accept me if I don’t accept me. No other can love me if I don’t love me.

The gift of this meandering journey to myself is this: by choosing and accepting myself, I have been present to the greatest love of all. As Oscar Wilde put it, “To love yourself is the beginning of a lifelong affair.”

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Love Flow — 1 Comment

Donna Marie on January 26, 2012 at 11:35 pm said:

This is beautiful Rachel! It brought to mind my own discovery in a series of posts I refer to as Free to Be Single (excerpt from http://goo.gl/6RUy6):

“I used to think that I needed someone to choose me in order to feel loved. I discovered this search left me feeling sad & unhappy as no guy ever did enough to make me feel loved (secure & safe) or they ended up not ‘choosing’ me which felt like the ultimate rejection. After many (too many to mention) of those experiences I learned I had been rejecting myself … I couldn’t feel loved since I didn’t love myself. That’s when I went within and began loving all the parts of me.”

As I saw my words in black and white, I was struck by the notion of ‘choosing’ and ‘accepting’ myself. I’ve been doing this in the past few years yet I had never expressed it quite like this. Seeing it in this way caused a shift inside me, further dismantling the conversation I had for most of my adult life and was on display when I’d been so busy hooking up with people, breaking up and feeling not being chosen by them. The fact is this, as long as I put the choosing, accepting and loving in the hands of another, I was miserable. I had essentially given up responsibility for my happiness and joy to someone else. No other can choose me if I don’t choose me. No other can accept me if I don’t accept me. No other can love me if I don’t love me.

The gift of this meandering journey to myself is this: by choosing and accepting myself, I have been present to the greatest love of all. As Oscar Wilde put it, “To love yourself is the beginning of a lifelong affair.”

Reply ↓

Rachels Gedankenkasten | Rachel's Musings

Gedanken zu Gesellschaft und Politik mit etwas Philosophy | Rantings on economics and politics with some philosophy added in for good measure

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Love Flow — 1 Comment

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