Love Experiments
There seem to be three things going on around this: I want to express myself, i want to be accepted in doing it, and i want to do it in a way that inspires rather than scares. My longing to express my love is motivated by wanting to create relationships how i want to rather than following some cultural paradigm. I long to do this out in the open, actually saying the words, not just through my acts. And i want to do that while holding the other person with care – the last thing i want to do is contribute to discomfort with an expression of love (even though i think it’s rather sad that an expression of love could contribute to discomfort!). I fear that if i do it, though, i will be viewed as an oddball and rejected (maybe out of the discomfort in the other). So, i want to still belong.
This, then, is where the whole irony of this is becoming obvious. BrenĂ© Brown suggests that “shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging” (39). I feel ashamed to express my love because i think that i am unworthy of love and belonging! And the antidote is the very thing i am too scared to do: Say “i love you”!
One idea a friend of mine and i came up with: Ask! So, even though i would prefer more spontaneity, i will play around with that – and ask more friends, especially male ones, things like “how would you feel if i told you “i love you””. And then we can talk about it. I could share why i am saying it – and at least try to explain that it doesn’t mean anything other than what it says – and we could deal with any discomfort that might come up. Who knows. Maybe that’ll start a revolution.
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