Here i want to capture what i’ve discovered so far. So, please meet my inner critic over there in the hammock! Hello there! It’s been quite a ride today and i am guessing i am not done yet, so i am sharing this to integrate what i’ve learned so far. You know, before you go on… I don’t like to be called “inner critic.” That’s so judgmental! Okay. What would you like to be called? Well, hmmm. How about inner adviser? That sounds pretty descriptive as long as Oh, don’t mention what i said earlier! That’s too embarrassing! I haven’t yet scanned in the colored pages, so no worries. Can i share now? I share, therefore i am. Thanks.
I think the most important thing to share is our contract, don’t you think? Oh, yes! People can figure out how we got there themselves. I want to give a bit of context, though. You’ve been doing that. Context for our contract. Well, let’s see it!
I started my day with the question “what if i had no obligations?” I quickly realized that it would be helpful to also set an intention for the day. I heard the inner critic’s voice inner adviser, please. I heard my inner adviser’s voice telling me that i wouldn’t be able to figure out the questions i want answers to anyways. Ignoring his voice, i decided to think big! (I am not quite sure why i think of my inner
critic adviser as male.) I came up with the following questions: If there were no contraints
- where would i live?
- with whom would i live?
- what would i do?
Basically, what is my vision for my life? Then, another question came to me: How would i live my
life day if it were my last one? That question guided the structure of my day and the answers to my questions.
The first two questions were fairly easy. My inner
critic adviser was quiet. Even just contemplating starting what would i do, i heard him. Please don’t share what i said! Okay, respecting that request, let me just share that it was, well, pretty ugly. Self-aversion, self-hatred. Exactly. A page and a half of it. And then you had that crazy break idea… I set a timer for 5 minutes to take a break from the avalanche. I started to cry, getting in touch with the mourning around how much my inner critic has controlled my life. Then the timer went off. So, i asked for more time. NO! was the answer. I asked what difference 5 more minutes would make. You’re just going to cry! I hate tears! I get soft then! So? You won’t survive then you stupid lazy bitch!!!!! Oh, this is so embarrassing! I apologize for my language! I was upset, you know? Yes, i know. I decided to sit anyways, listening to my inner critic without writing down the dialog if necessary. As i was sitting and the inner critic calmed down, i held him in loving presence. I felt so much compassion for my inner critic! I simply repeated “you are held in loving presence; you are filled with loving presence.” And i melted…. I befriended my inner critic and that’s how i became your adviser. Well, not quite yet. We agreed that we’d explore
- living as if there are no obligations. Every moment is full of choice.
- living as if this moment is
myour last one.
I had realized that my inner adviser was simply trying to make sure that i’d survive. He is terrified that i would die if i’d live by the idea that i have no obligations. I had learned, though, that living under obligation is an unfree live – the life of a zombie. So it might make sense to listen to him, to weigh what he has to say, to at least be in dialog. As long as i can stay in the hammock. As long as you remain in dialog, too.
Not sure where this will lead me, nor if i can live this way. Why not? I rather enjoy taking a break! At some point, i am guessing, i’ll get scared again. And then i’ll deal with it. Well, it’s an experiment, so it might not work out! That’s true: It’s an experiment in aliveness. Living as if there are no obligations puts me back into choice and lets me have freedom.