I am tired of…
of worrying whether i should have said this or that
whether i should have sent the email or not
I am tired of wondering if you like me.
I just want to be free of these thoughts
enjoying life without the cloud of self-doubt.
I am tired of wondering
if i am good enough
good enough in everything
for everything
if what i write is good enough
if i am good enough to be loved,
to be held,
to belong.
I am tired of wondering
why i am not being loved,
being held since i am good enough.
I am tired of wondering
why my friends don’t call,
even right after they called.
I am tired of wondering
why i don’t belong since i am good enough.
I just want to celebrate being alive,
breathing in the fresh air.
I want to celebrate the love i feel
from you and you
and not worry if i don’t feel it from you.
I am tired of beating myself up.
Why can’t i be free?
Free like a child who doesn’t care
if his nose is running
if her sandcastle is straight
if his socks match
if her shoes are tied.
I just want to be free from self-doubt,
ready to embrace my life,
celebrating being me.
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts Rachel. It is quite serendipitous as I’m getting ready to post a discovery I’ve made about myself around the thoughts you have shared. I recently had an aha moment around an experience of acceptance that I refer to as Free to Be Single (http://goo.gl/71Baz) where I saw that for so long I had wondered how it is I wasn’t the chosen one in relationships only to realize that I had never chosen myself; or when I felt rejected by someone it was really my not accepting myself. Since this personal revelation I decided to look at how this has affects my evolving relationship to life and living. My latest discovery is around the self-doubt, self-questioning, second-guessing of my words & actions, taking things personally I have had in my own relationships signaling my discomfort with the uncertainty of life (which includes relationships) and my desires for approval & love. Through this Free to Be Single lens I am realizing I am the one I’ve been waiting for to trust, to have confidence in, to know, to love and this has provided an ease with uncertainty about life, what people are thinking or feeling about me. The journey of discovery continues …