Expectations and Acceptance
Today, i finally took the time for some musing on the question. One of the first things i stumbled on was a note that included a couple of wonderful quotes: “Expect nothing…Experience everything” and “Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.” That resonated. When i was able to let go my expectations of a person, i discovered to my delight that i was able to experience our interactions much more! And I certainly had carried around resentments when they hadn’t met my expectations! And I found a poem by Alice Walker that captured the same sentiment – it starts: “Expect nothing. Live frugally on surprise.”
Reading & musing a bit more, it became clear that expectations are undermining acceptance. But exactly how do they do that? Plus, aren’t expectations reflecting our needs? I had a need for support that wasn’t being met when my expectation wasn’t fulfilled. I realized quickly that there is a crucial difference: My expectations were tied to a person. My needs are not. I can meet my need for support from anybody, including myself. Sure it would have been nice to get it from the person i was expecting it from but when i didn’t, i could have gone out and met the need differently (instead of getting angry…). And this is where expectations are tied to acceptance as well. When we expect someone to do something for us and they don’t, we tend to demand that they are a different person than they are. Life happens. Things change. And things are usually not as we expect them. Jumping up and down and demanding that things are differently won’t change a thing. We are not accepting reality.
So, this is how expectations undermine acceptance: As long as i have an expectation, i put the onus on the other person, the future, reality or all of the above. I am certainly not in the present. As long as i do that, i do not accept the way things are! And i most assuredly won’t get my needs met because i will not be in a place to ask for support (or whatever needs aren’t met). I will demand that things are as i expected them to be! Letting go of my expectations and accepting the way things are, brings me to a place where i can discover my unmet need(s). Then i can figure out ways (or strategies) to meet that need. And those strategies might be completely different than i had expected…
Directing to that Mexican link is most strange. You located the correct one though. Thanks.
Rachel, thanks for bringing this perspective to this subject. It has been an issue I’ve been exploring and seeing the value of more and more. As you point to, expectation and acceptance are inextricably linked. I lived in expectation for most of my life mostly in the guise of hoping and wishing (which I consider the emotional equivalents of expectation) … it was a life of suffering, sadness, disappointment, anger (insert any disempowering emotion here) and it wasn’t until I understood (experientially) the value of accepting what is as it is that I have freedom in life. Acceptance is one of the most recurring themes on our website (here is a collection of quotes on the subject — http://foodforthesoul.us/tag/acceptance/). Frankly, I believe it is an essential to living my fullest life. Its simplicity as an idea is complicated by our attachment to the outcomes we view as acceptable rather than the outcomes that are. It’s a kind of madness really (to want other than what is, like putting a square peg into a round hole) and I believe the source of most drama. When I am being with what life presents or the flow (which is another way I view acceptance) I am happy and see a myriad of options (to meet my needs) that are not available to me when I am locked and loaded on the singular option that is my expectation. I intend to share your thought-provoking essay with all my communities. Thanks again!
I am glad you found the post helpful, Donna Marie! And thank you for sharing it!
I realized last night how grateful i was for this learning experience – i did end up getting support just not in the way i expected it! And getting support for personal growth is something really precious indeed…
Thought I’d share this Cheri Huber quote which came across the transom today …
“The reason acceptance isn’t more popular is that in acceptance there is nothing to do. (In acceptance, there is nothing that needs to be changed, fixed, worked on or otherwise improved.)”
Thanks, Donna! I like the quote – and thank you for reminding me of Cheri Huber! Time to check out her work again – i really liked “there is nothing wrong with you” but haven’t read anything else of hers yet.
(This is fixed now…) The URL goes to a Mexican news update from July. I assume that’s not where you meant to link! If you post the correct URL, I’ll fix it in the background… Actually, i think it might be this…
Thanks Rachel!