Then i realized that i had been retraumatized. That, though, seemed to open a door to acceptance. Maybe it was that i finally understood what had happened and why it was so confusing and painful.
As my emotions went back and forth, i remembered equanimity. That’s a topic i’ll be discussing with others on Thursday – how appropriate and timely. Then i recalled that equanimity also was the topic of the chapter in a book for people with chronic illness (which, btw, i can highly recommend!). Maybe there was some guidance in there – as i wasn’t quite sure how to find equanimity underneath my emotional upsets.
Reading this quote by Ajahn Jumnian helped me a lot (from page 81):
When people say, “Ajahn, let’s go for a beautiful walk,” fine I’ll go. If they don’t ask, that’s fine too. I don’t expect a walk to be any more satisfying than sitting alone. It could be hot or windy out there. If people bring me delicious food, great. If they don’t great. I need to diet anyway. If I’m feeling good, that’s okay. If I’m sick, that’s okay too. It’s a great excuse to lie down.
I laughed out loud reading the last sentence recalling that i had thought something similar during one of those nap-times over the last few weeks.
Although i am still noticing upset in me in reaction to some comments, i am also noticing that overall i am moving closer to equanimity. Maybe it would help me to write that out… So, here inspired by the quote:
If people want to hang out with me, great, i enjoy spending time with other people. If people don’t want to hang out with me, that’s great, too. I relish solitude.
If people miss the social implications of my blog posts, great. I’ve wanted to have examples of how difficult it is to see the implications of our personal predicament. If they agree with my analysis, great. I enjoy the company of fellow travelers.
If people miss the social implications of my blog posts, great. I love reading other ways of looking at things. And i enjoy the care that flows out of their willingness to provide suggestions.
Ah, the last one just opened my heart up to acceptance! And now i’ve figured out how to use this quote as a practice: Just write up my own sentences.