Is it time to ditch marriage?
Since the economic necessity for marriage is largely gone, the cultural trances have become more subtle, directly playing to the pursuit of happiness idea. We are bombarded with the messages that we would be happier in marriage, that our blood pressure would be lower (at least when we sleep), and that we’d be lonely and miserable if we’re single. Reality, as usual, is different than the cultural trances: Happiness and marriage are not linked and neither is blood pressure. More and more singles speak out that they’re perfectly happy with their lives and feel very fulfilled without a marital partner. That reality – there is happiness outside of intimate relationships – has helped me leave several frustrating and unhappy relationships. I am sure there are many others who made similar calls. I suspect that it has raised our expectations but also lowered our tolerance for crap in relationships. At the same time, though, healthy singles are happy because their lives are grounded in community and connections with others, some more intimate than others (see Kay Trimberger’s analysis for more information). This seems to point to new ways of relating that could inform intimate relationships: away from the insane focus on the man-woman nucleus (or the homosexual equivalent) to the integration of such relationships into a bigger network of friendships and relationships – building a new form of community. Ironically, this might make those intimate relationships more stable because we no longer expect a “soul mate” who will meet our every need. Of course, it would redefine relationships – again – but hopefully in a more rewarding way than deluding ourselves about marriage.
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I completely agree with the theory that true happiness will come more from connections with your family, friends and community than it will from that one on one romantic relationship whether it be with a boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse. I operated for many years on the belief that I needed to be in a “relationship” for true happiness. I only had 1 or 2 close friends but I did not make any effort to forge new friendships or build on the ones I had. I put no effort into my friendships. I did not connect on any level with others. It was me and my husband all the way to the end……or the divorce court.
Although it went against my natural personality which is more shy, I made a point to get out there and meet people . When I felt any kind of connection with someone who seemed they would make a potentially good friend (similar hobbies/interests) then I did things to encourage the growth of that friendship. As a result of this, I have made many, many friends and now I have so many friends that whatever I need I always have someone to call. Not only that, I make an effort to be there for them as well. These connections give me whatever security I feel I need when tough times come. Instead of only having one person to go to…I now have many people. The best part is that I don’t have to worry about us breaking up!!
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I just finished writing a book, So Why Have You Never Been Married (New Horizon Press due out May 1, 2008), in which I surveyed 1533 never married men over 40. Most of them have adopted the following belief: If they find the right one, they’ll marry, and if not, they’d rather be single. In essence the who is more important than the what. That’s what’s happening to singles, slowly but surely, and there aint a damn thing the cultural trances can do about it. Good post!