So, i spent some time today trying to figure out what that fear is about. What bubbled up first was fear around changing my mind: “What will others think! I keep doing this! I should be more reliable!” That’s what i was telling myself. Using Kathleen Macferran‘s approach for digging deeper into my thoughts to find a core belief, i noticed that there is fear that i’ll be all alone. And then, deep underneath, there was “people don’t like me!” (and that’ll be my fault because i keep changing my mind…). Sarah Peyton has developed a process that utilizes Nonviolent Communication together with interpersonal neurobiology. Basically, we repeat the core belief – people don’t like me – out loud and guess the feelings and needs underneath it. Several times. That was terrifying to me, at least at first. Slowly, the terror turned into fear and then a core need emerged: Unconditional acceptance.
I went on to do something else. Letting things bubble some more. I remembered again how i had felt lonely at times during last year’s festival. Again, there was fear around that. Back to digging. I end up alone because i don’t really belong in the folk dance community – i just don’t dance good enough. So, i was telling myself. And around and around that thinking went until i had enough and decided to just sit in meditation (gently reminded to breath by a computer app i am testing). During that meditation the question arose: “If i am the only one in the world who accepts me, will that be enough?” To my amazement the answer is “yes, it will be enough!” Not only that: Self-acceptance is the foundation on which other people’s acceptance can rest!
After that shift, i felt energized! I changed into my most colorful dance clothes, ironed a blouse for tomorrow, and will soon go off to take part in the parties. If i don’t do the steps perfectly, so what? I accept that.