Dance of Acceptance
So, i spent some time today trying to figure out what that fear is about. What bubbled up first was fear around changing my mind: “What will others think! I keep doing this! I should be more reliable!” That’s what i was telling myself. Using Kathleen Macferran‘s approach for digging deeper into my thoughts to find a core belief, i noticed that there is fear that i’ll be all alone. And then, deep underneath, there was “people don’t like me!” (and that’ll be my fault because i keep changing my mind…). Sarah Peyton has developed a process that utilizes Nonviolent Communication together with interpersonal neurobiology. Basically, we repeat the core belief – people don’t like me – out loud and guess the feelings and needs underneath it. Several times. That was terrifying to me, at least at first. Slowly, the terror turned into fear and then a core need emerged: Unconditional acceptance.
I went on to do something else. Letting things bubble some more. I remembered again how i had felt lonely at times during last year’s festival. Again, there was fear around that. Back to digging. I end up alone because i don’t really belong in the folk dance community – i just don’t dance good enough. So, i was telling myself. And around and around that thinking went until i had enough and decided to just sit in meditation (gently reminded to breath by a computer app i am testing). During that meditation the question arose: “If i am the only one in the world who accepts me, will that be enough?” To my amazement the answer is “yes, it will be enough!” Not only that: Self-acceptance is the foundation on which other people’s acceptance can rest!
After that shift, i felt energized! I changed into my most colorful dance clothes, ironed a blouse for tomorrow, and will soon go off to take part in the parties. If i don’t do the steps perfectly, so what? I accept that.
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Another thoughtful and oh so relevant & universal post. Thank you for sharing your experiences Rachel.
In my neck of the woods I came across something I wrote which reflects my view on the matter,
“To be pleasing to others we must first be willing to please ourselves; to be loved by others we must first be willing to love ourselves; to be accepted by others we must first be willing to accept ourselves.”
It goes back to realizing I am responsible for how I experience anything in life. Of course, the feelings of self-doubt, need for approval, etc. show up; yet, I’ve noticed that when they do come up, the context of self-responsibility, self-love, self-acceptance minimizes the falling into an abyss of victimhood — a place I have experienced time and time again in my life.
Happy, healthy, loving, self-accepting thanksgiving to us all!
Thanks for sharing your appreciation, Donna Marie! I hesitated a bit yesterday because i wasn’t sure how useful this post would be to others (it was helpful for me to write since it helped me integrate my new learning…).
And i’d like to celebrate that i had a ton of fun last night, i was living out of a different energy! There were a few moments when the old loneliness came back. Reminding myself of this helped me get right back into the fun!
So happy to hear you enjoyed your evening at the dance. Since entering my 50’s I’ve become increasingly clear that looking within is the true source of my fulfillment where decades earlier I was obsessed with pleasing others to feel my value. As you point out, the thoughts still come — whether it’s loneliness, insecurities, or any other fear feelings — they just don’t linger as I have a new context to live from: free to be Donna Marie! I’ve got a feature on my website I call Free to Be Single which, as it suggests, is about relationships–an area that I used to be so emotionally charged about!