Several people helped me realize that there are some benefits to finishing the Masters program i am in. I am still adjusting to this mind change. It is hard to accept when i had just blogged so confidently and convinced that i no longer need this crutch. Am i giving up on my authenticity? Am i just bowing to the status quo out of fear of (potential) negative consequences to my own life? That might be part of it: I just don’t have the courage yet to completely make my own path, especially when there seems no support for it. Yet, there is also the realization that this still is spinning my own life. I am not getting the Masters because i “should finish what i started.” I am getting it because i want to finish it. Maybe this is about transforming a “have-to” into a “choose-to.” And then maybe it is a cop-out.

Then i realize that authenticity is not about a certain path we are taking. It is about being authentic in the moment, sharing how i am torn about this publicly. And accepting that it is okay to chose something conventional – as long as that is a choice!

There is a part of me that remains the observer to my process. That part is fascinated by how this processes is unfolding. Just five days ago, i was convinced that my path lies elsewhere. Now i am embracing that path even if that means taking a 3-hour exam i know does not meet needs on many levels. This observer part wonders what happened. Maybe voicing my concerns freed me to look at this situation differently – once i received an indirect reminder that situations can be viewed differently. Maybe i finally received the recognition and acceptance i so longed for. People were not ostracizing me for considering to drop out, for speaking up. Some were sad and wanted me to reconsider but all supported my decision. And that is where fear comes in: What are they thinking now? Do they think that i submitted to the pressure of the status quo? Will they respect me less? Or will they be angry that i “wasted their time” with my struggling through this?

The observer points out that all that really needs to come from the inside. Self-acceptance. Self-respect. Allowing myself to change my mind. Allowing myself to walk the beaten path if i choose to include it in my spinning of my life. The observer also knows, though, that reassurance from others helps! Hence this blog post… Ultimately, i would like people to understand why i changed course again – with all the caveats and worries i am noticing in myself. And maybe that points to something internal again: Self-understanding. I don’t fully understand my mind change, which leads to yet another worry. If i change my mind like this, will it happen again? It feels like this is a more solid change. It does not feel like a going back to the old course, the one i abandoned on Monday. Superficially, it looks like the same course yet how i approach it, how i feel about it has changed. It is now my path, not a path imposed from the outside. Maybe ultimately this is about accepting what is – accepting that change happens, that we change course – sometimes twice in the same week – and that a change can look like it brings us back to where we started but really is a change!