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Cognitive Dissonance — 8 Comments

  1. similar stuff has happened to me and it gave me heart-burn for a long while. but what I figured out is that I truly didn’t want spend a lot of time in those groups; not the quality time I like to spend with real friends. if the fun time with those others comes, then great, I take it. I am much happier seeking out those who really know me and want to spend time with me because they think I am great.

  2. when i wrote what i would do (and have done) in your place when i was there, i didn’t necessarily advise you to do that……i wish i were able to respond in real time to those rude behaviors by speaking up on the spot………but more and more i find myself getting the courage to say how bad i feel, usually a couple of hours after the incident, or more………..by phone, email, etc

    in fact, some experts suggest responding to them later when i have calmed down and able to address them from a place of equal self-control and less outrage…..

    in fact, there’s a solid chance they simply didn’t realize the inappropriateness of what they did…..and may ‘need’ you to rewind and play-back their behavior……..or “put a mirror up” for them to see their behavior as it comes across….

    that would be a great gift to them, as well as to your own healing, don’t you think?

    • Just to clarify: When I was contemplating deleting the post this wasn’t in response to your comment, which you hadn’t even written then…

      It’s amazing how terrifying it is to me to even contemplate to bring all this up with the people I experienced this with… Interesting!

  3. oh, boy, you’re describing one of the most painful social experiences that i know……..from my own similar experiences ……………..kudos to you for sharing it……whatever comes out of this, i think and sense you are actually also tackling ‘shame’ by pretty much defying it altogether !!!!

    probably, in your position, if i’d be writing a blog, i’d likely succumb to my shame and not share it with most people….maybe one friend only……out of fear……..and i’d let that rage at my ‘friends’ fester inside me!…..not a good solution, but a good example of how MUCH stuff we let fester inside us as a norm…….

    i’d also not be able to contain that rage/blame toward those people, and have some sorrowful outburst sooner or later, INAPPROPRIATELY!

    so, speaking from my own perspective, my disappointment and anger would be , maybe, my deterrent against the pain of rejection…….and i would make a gut-level choice of keeping away from those people, but not before i declaim my highly-rehearsed retort next time i speak to them…..something like: “Do you know how utterly rude it was for you to stand /sit with me while totally excluding me from any invite??!!”

    To the extent it could be said calmly and respectfully, that would be the extent of my satisfaction, because not telling them would be so much worse….and i’d be miserably avoiding them for a long, awkward time afterward, when they might not even be aware what they did in the first place……

    wow, i realize how hard any response to this thing is……..thanks again for bringing it out so vividly !!!

    • Thank you for this, Shira! Honestly: I almost deleted the post last night… I could feel the shame hit me… Even though I didn’t name the two sets of people, I was certain they’d figure it out… And who am I to complain…

      I left the post up because I liked the exploration of using shame as a way to dissolve cognitive dissonance…

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