Cognitive Dissonance
I learned this morning that I have developed a mental shortcut to dissolving cognitive dissonance. When I signed onto Facebook, a picture of a friend appeared having fun with others. It hurt – I hadn’t been invited to the fun and I had struggled with loneliness this weekend. This came on the heels of being witness to a conversation between a couple of other people who were planning their weekend activities – without even considering to invite me even though I was right there while they were planning (and, no, they weren’t strangers!). The pain, it seems, might come from two beliefs I am holding (or trying to hold): I am lovable (or some variation like “people enjoy spending time with me”). And “people don’t invite me to do fun things with them.”
I realized that I seem to gravitate towards a couple of ways to dissolve this dissonance: I tell myself that I am not lovable. I tell myself that I am boring. Or I decide that I don’t want to spend time with people anyways, thank you very much. So, our beliefs – there is something wrong with me, I am not good enough – that are a reflection of shame are a way for us to dissolve cognitive dissonance. Similarly to slavery, we don’t look at the cultural ways the dissonance could be dissolved. In this case, the cultural assumptions that introverts are boring and enjoy spending time with a book more than playing around. And there’s also a cultural assumption in me at play: That it would be rude to say “Hey! Don’t plan your weekend in front of me when you’re not including me!” or “Don’t tell me you want to spend more time with me when you do everything but!”
Or something like that. Honestly, I am having trouble holding onto my sense of self-worth when faced with what seem like observations of exclusion (or at least not inclusion). Maybe the cultural myth here is what Eva Illouz talked about: The idea that we can create our sense of self-worth independent from others. We can’t, Illouz points out. We are social beings, thus we need the mirror of others. And it seems like the mirrors others hold up is that they just don’t want to spend time with me. Hehe. And I can hear my inner judge commenting: “Well, of course not, when you mope around like this!” Yet, it’s been puzzling me for some time now: Why am I unable to break this cycle? Why do I seem to be unable to build those friendships I so long for? (And, of course:) What’s wrong with me? Or a more analytical variation: If there isn’t anything wrong with me, why am I so isolated?
I feel a bit embarrassed posting this… The voice that this will just drive people away is very strong… And, yet, I want to understand, I so want to know if there is another explanation out there… I would even welcome hearing something “I prefer spending time with people who do xyz – and you don’t do that.” At least I would know!
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similar stuff has happened to me and it gave me heart-burn for a long while. but what I figured out is that I truly didn’t want spend a lot of time in those groups; not the quality time I like to spend with real friends. if the fun time with those others comes, then great, I take it. I am much happier seeking out those who really know me and want to spend time with me because they think I am great.
and your experience points up what is icky about facebook. we are not meant to share everything!
Yes! I’ve decided to stay off Facebook for at least a week… And it rekindled my wondering if I don’t want to get off it completely… Plus I am reading this: A critical analysis of Facebook…
Haha! One of the thoughts I noticed that popped up in all this: “I need new friends!”
when i wrote what i would do (and have done) in your place when i was there, i didn’t necessarily advise you to do that……i wish i were able to respond in real time to those rude behaviors by speaking up on the spot………but more and more i find myself getting the courage to say how bad i feel, usually a couple of hours after the incident, or more………..by phone, email, etc
in fact, some experts suggest responding to them later when i have calmed down and able to address them from a place of equal self-control and less outrage…..
in fact, there’s a solid chance they simply didn’t realize the inappropriateness of what they did…..and may ‘need’ you to rewind and play-back their behavior……..or “put a mirror up” for them to see their behavior as it comes across….
that would be a great gift to them, as well as to your own healing, don’t you think?
Just to clarify: When I was contemplating deleting the post this wasn’t in response to your comment, which you hadn’t even written then…
It’s amazing how terrifying it is to me to even contemplate to bring all this up with the people I experienced this with… Interesting!
oh, boy, you’re describing one of the most painful social experiences that i know……..from my own similar experiences ……………..kudos to you for sharing it……whatever comes out of this, i think and sense you are actually also tackling ‘shame’ by pretty much defying it altogether !!!!
probably, in your position, if i’d be writing a blog, i’d likely succumb to my shame and not share it with most people….maybe one friend only……out of fear……..and i’d let that rage at my ‘friends’ fester inside me!…..not a good solution, but a good example of how MUCH stuff we let fester inside us as a norm…….
i’d also not be able to contain that rage/blame toward those people, and have some sorrowful outburst sooner or later, INAPPROPRIATELY!
so, speaking from my own perspective, my disappointment and anger would be , maybe, my deterrent against the pain of rejection…….and i would make a gut-level choice of keeping away from those people, but not before i declaim my highly-rehearsed retort next time i speak to them…..something like: “Do you know how utterly rude it was for you to stand /sit with me while totally excluding me from any invite??!!”
To the extent it could be said calmly and respectfully, that would be the extent of my satisfaction, because not telling them would be so much worse….and i’d be miserably avoiding them for a long, awkward time afterward, when they might not even be aware what they did in the first place……
wow, i realize how hard any response to this thing is……..thanks again for bringing it out so vividly !!!
Thank you for this, Shira! Honestly: I almost deleted the post last night… I could feel the shame hit me… Even though I didn’t name the two sets of people, I was certain they’d figure it out… And who am I to complain…
I left the post up because I liked the exploration of using shame as a way to dissolve cognitive dissonance…