And maybe that is because there’s another theme running in here: Our worthiness cannot be affirmed by ourselves alone (worthy of love and belonging, worthy of getting our needs met). When we live in a world that continuously suggests that we’re unworthy because we fail to meet certain standards, it is hard to hold on to our sense of worthiness. In a society that doesn’t even offer a decent safety net, where people declare bankruptcy or die because they don’t have access to health care, the message that we are worthy of getting our needs met is difficult to believe.
A lot of us are trying so hard to change ourselves – and then we have experiences like I did a couple of weeks ago where all the work we’ve been doing, all the time, energy, and money we spent on changing our habits, seem to evaporate in less than a milisecond. It’s like trying to get the water out of a boat with a small leak: Sometimes we might make some headway – in the end, though, we’ll need to get a new boat.
Maybe this is also one reason why I have been writing less here… It’s so much easier to talk about individual changes that we can work toward than to figure out how to collectively live differently.
Just to be clear: I am going to continue with the practices, including mindfulness meditation and other awareness practices, that help me change some parts of myself. However, this experience has reminded me that I will continue to fall into those wounds. Maybe I’ll get out faster or don’t fall in quite as deep. Real change, though, will require living in a different world.