Building Community
I have been longing for a supportive community for quite some time. I experienced it during two retreats this summer. I decided i want a local community because that adds something extra (hugs at minimum :-)). I’ve been trying to get something going since July – and it is so hard and discouraging! It seems people are “too busy,” in other words, they have other priorities. What could possibly be more important than supporting each other? Oh, yes. I do that, too: All those other things that eat my time… So, why are we making all these other things a higher priority? Is it reluctance to “just being”? After all during a retreat, we don’t need to worry about food and shelter. It’s there.
And then, there are those other voices creeping in. The familiar ones. “Just rely on yourself, Rachel. It’s safer that way. Nobody else likes you anyways.” I read those voices back in 1986 in my diary. They are probably older than that.
I would enjoy hearing if you have some success stories to share (how did you make it happen) and also if you have similar difficulties – longing for community, trying to build it or find it, and not able to meet that need consistently.
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Being who we are, it’s hard to put us into a group. We’re not church-goers, we’re not part of a married couple that goes to couples dinners, we’re single parents; our very nature excludes us from being part of the accepted social norms of what makes a community.
I can totally relate to this, and while I still struggle with feeling it from time to time, for the most part, what I’ve realized is I am lucky to know people and have friends in various aspects of my life. None of them “make me whole,” but then again, if I were completely like someone else, then one of us would be unnecessary. I usually feel grateful that I get to move from one group to another without compromising my own sense of self.
And we are a part of a community together! Happy National Unmarried & Singles Week!!
I would agree with Sarah that volunteering is a great way of creating community. There are two organizations I contribute my time to each year and out of that I have created a loving support system and some amazing friendships. Another way I built community was through my participation in the Landmark Forum which I began as part of my quest to be true to myself. I went through the entire curriculum and in the process gained lifelong friendships and began a process of self-discovery that continues. Also, a close friend offered me this advice when I asked what it would take for me to have the kind of friendship I wanted with a particular person in my life. His answer was simple, be friendship. I knew what he meant — whatever friendship means to me, be that. What came up for me was this … be loving, open, generous, supporting. This created a space for friendship to thrive in many directions where I had not seen before. I’ve taken that notion of being whatever I want in my life. Also, having a practice of gratitude and appreciation sustains me through all of my longings.
Thank you for your comments, Donna Marie! One thing that came up for me was my tiredness of trying! Unless i am completely misevaluating myself, i think i am “loving, open, generous, and supporting.” And, yet, i don’t seem to be able to build the mutuality into several of my friendships that i am longing for. Though that also is one of the learnings from my musings about this yesterday: I want to redirect my energy and focus on those friendships that already have some of that community feel and deepen them.
The other thing that comes up: There must be something wrong with me that i can’t get this to work! Something else to look at because i am almost certain that carrying around a thought like that prevents me from opening up, presenting my authentic self.
What kind of community are you trying to build, Rachel? I find volunteering is a great way to build community and find support. I volunteered for a fair trade store for 6 years before moving back to my hometown and I still keep in touch with my fellow volunteers/staff and I know they would have my back if I needed them and I would have theirs. For example, the husband of one of the staff has offered on numerous occasions to move furniture for me and I attended the funeral visitation for the brother of a volunteer.
Thanks, Sarah! That is very encouraging to read! And i realized, too, that it will help me to clarify what exactly i am looking for with “community.” 🙂