All that, or some less articulated version of it, went through my head as I was putting on my exercise clothes. I headed out the door. And then I saw the writing on the sidewalk: Jesus loves you! “Well, at least someone loves me,” went through my head, almost immediately followed by a realization. In our hypercompetitive world where a person is only good enough if she achieves by the social standards set by who knows whom, self-love is a rarity. The only way we can get unconditional love is through an imaginary being (God) or through a dead and decomposed guy (Jesus). And this acceptable form of self-love – for if God and Jesus cannot really love you because they don’t exist, this is a form of self-love – has subverted a possibly healthier way of taking care of the self practiced in ancient philosophy. Michel Foucault put the shift this way (284):
In the Greco-Roman world, the care of the self was the mode in which individual freedom – or civic liberty, up to a point – was reflected as an ethics. [...] the theme of the care of the self thoroughly permeated moral reflection. [...] in our societies on the other hand, at a time that is very difficult to pinpoint, the care of the self became somewhat suspect. Starting at a certain point, being concerned with oneself was readily denounced as a form of self-love, a form of selfishness or self-interest in contradiction with the interest to be shown in others or the self-sacrifice required.
Jesus loves you instead of know thyself. Self-sacrifice instead of self-love. And we’re not talking about the narcissistic self-love here, we are talking about a healthy amount of self-love that counteracts the doubts of inadequacy I was struggling with and suspect many others who are venturing off the beaten path are struggling with (heck, even people who are on the beaten path). Rather than loving ourselves, we’re supposed to love God or Jesus or both and then sacrifice ourselves in their name. Only that way do we get back a self-love substitute, God’s or Jesus’ love. No wonder that so many people flock to religions! Existential angst is part of our world – we no longer learn to counter-act it by becoming a virtuous person grounded in a deep love for and knowledge of ourselves.
Maybe if we listen to the ancients some more, we can relearn how to find our way to happiness. Maybe if we cultivate healthy self-love again, we’ll see less of the unhealthy kind, which leads to destruction both of the economy and the environment. Maybe if we reconnect with ourselves, our dreams and start knowing ourselves again, we might have to buy less stuff to fill the existential hole. The planet could sure use that kind of a value-shift. So could we.
Going back to school is a good thing and does it really matter what you choose to study? Education keeps the mind sharp, the neurons firing, the brain manufacturing new neural connections. I’m going to be 56 in December and am 2 classes away from finishing my Masters in Psychology. I’ve felt the same misgivings you’ve just voiced. At my age, what is the chance that I’ll actually be able to get a decent job in the field? I’m 10 years away from retirement, if any of us will ever be able to afford to retire now. But, so what? I think the key to aging is keeping your mind sharp, and you are of an age, as am I, where intellectual stimulation is just as important as any other kind.
And so what if you choose to be single? What a great choice! Personally, I run screaming when someone shows an interest in being anything more than friends. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. You’ve earned the right to do what you want to do and be who you want to be, so I say do it.
Selfishness? It’s gotten a lot of bad press. As women, we’ve been so indoctrinated by a male dominated society, that taking care of ourselves is almost automatically guilt producing. No one can make you feel guilty, you do that to yourself by buying into the dominant cultural standards of coupledom. Ack! Eew! Spit that guilt out and enjoy the taste of personal freedom that comes with being single, in the prime of your life, healthy, and engaged in a life changing endeavor that will undoubtedly make you even better than you already are.
Very nice blog, very nice post to this blog. I believe there is a passage somewhere that says we are to love our neighbour as we love ourselves. If we don’t love ourselves how can we love our neighbour? Learning that we, ourselves contain the ability to be everything we need, and accept ourselves, at any point in our lives, is so very important IMHO. If we loved instead of feared, our world would be a much better place. I love how you suggest to begin to cultivate, healthy self love within ourselves.
Very much looking forward to why choosing to be single is uppity.
I have no problem with belief in God (only the way some people choose to practice that belief), but I can totally relate to the self-doubt that creeps in when we defy social norms. I’m also doing that right now in my own way, and I feel like I second-guess myself constantly. It doesn’t help that not everyone in my life has been that supportive.
At the end of the day, you just have to keep on plugging away despite what that little inner voice of fear whispers. The proof is in the pudding, as they say. I’m sure you’re going to do just fine on your exams! Your intelligence shines through right here on this blog, and if we readers can see it, then I’m sure it must be unmistakable when you unleash it full-force in academia.
Thanks, Elsie!
Most of the time, that self-doubt is just my little pet dragon. But every once in a while he likes to assert his powers (and I do imagine all my dragons as male – interesting…). And I agree, that plugging away despite the little voice is the best thing to do! Sometimes, stopping to say “I hear you, you’re anxious” is important, too. I am learning that – otherwise the anxiety manifests itself in lack of sleep.
I want to play around with the idea that “love for Jesus” has replaced “self-love” (in the Platonic/Aristotelian sense). Based on the little I’ve read, Christianity brought about a shift that might’ve had some impact on our self-confidence.
Thank you, Linda and onejay, for your comments! That’s a very interesting point, onejay, about the love-your-neighbor passage. In fact, we might be able to trace the shift from self-love to self-sacrifice when we look at how that was interpreted! I agree with your, more modern, interpretation: We cannot love others unless we love ourselves. I don’t think, though, that this is how it was always interpreted because Christian teaching was about self-sacrifice (or was that only for women?).
Yes! Linda, you’re absolutely right: The guilt comes from ourselves! I love the idea of spitting it out! I’ll try to visualize that next time I get stuck in a quilt-trip! (It’s funny who images like that – or the “pet dragons” – help deal with these things… I guess there is a fine line between sanity and insanity. Maybe as long as I don’t openly talk to my pet dragons I am still sane
).
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