Telling Friends and Family about Choosing to be Single
There was commitment – and still is!
The most important commitment I made in 2008 was a commitment to myself. I realized that I had been getting into relationships that drew me off my life path. I figured that turning 40 was the perfect opportunity to make a major commitment to being single by choice. And what a scary commitment that is! What if I inadvertently reject my soul mate? I worked with this idea throughout the year, realizing that even when we get into an intimate, conjugal relationship, we are in effect rejecting other potential relationship partners. So, there’s always the “danger” that we miss our soul mate. And then I grappled with the idea of “soul mate” itself. Was there really such a thing? I came to the conclusion that there wasn’t. There is not one person out there who will meet all my needs, or even many of my needs. Instead of focusing on finding one person, I decided to spend my time and energy on building a friendship circle with many intimate relationships (and reclaiming the idea that “intimate” means sharing from the heart). To cement this commitment to myself, which includes a conscious choice to be single but part of a friendship network, I celebrated my 40th birthday with friends and included a commitment ceremony. I even have a ring!
I then went on to talk about the dragons, which I’ve introduced here before.
I describe this as my “coming out” as single. Using this term is a bit tricky since coming out as LGBT is acknowledging a biological fact. Being single is a choice, a result of experiences. So, coming out as a single means accepting this as a valid choice that does not have to be hidden. It is similar to the idea of coming out as atheist promoted by Richard Dawkins. It’s a fact of our life and nothing to be ashamed of.
January 13, 2009 at 12:44 pm Pacific Time
Filed under Singles By Choice
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s said,
January 14, 2009 at 5:15 am
I totally agree Rachel – and I know that there are others who think like you.
Years and years ago – I think maybe around 2000 – 2001, a lady was in the news because she actually had a marriage ceremony and married HERSELF. At the time I googled her etc and there was information online.
You might also like this article about a woman happily single etc…….
http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2004/04/04/1081017040330.html?from=storyrhs
Rachel said,
January 15, 2009 at 4:39 pm
I love that article!!! Thanks for sharing!
Was the woman who married herself by any chance Sasha Cagen, the author of Quirkyalone? Her description of her marriage gave me the idea for a commitment ceremony.
Lisa said,
January 18, 2009 at 7:55 pm
Hi Rachel,
Thanks for sharing! This is excellent. It takes a lot of guts to have a “commitment ceremony” to oneself, and it takes wonderful people to take part.
Lisa
Rachel’s Musings » More German Singlism said,
January 31, 2009 at 11:56 am
[...] I’ve mentioned before, I came out as a single by choice in my new years newsletter to friends and family. I am getting [...]
Singletude said,
May 14, 2009 at 4:10 pm
You’re my hero, Rachel!
A single friend of mine and I have toyed with the idea of the self-commitment ceremony for years now! I truly thought we were the only ones!
At 30, I think neither of us is quite ready to forsake the possibility of marriage, so we keep postponing our respective ceremonies. I know it’s possible to self-commit AND get married, but I imagined the self-commitment as a more elaborate affair comparable to an actual wedding (here’s my blog post about it), so I don’t want to make friends and family go through all that twice if I’m going to end up getting married anyway! Although, come to think of it, isn’t that what people do when they remarry for the second, third, or even fourth time?
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I really admire you for setting a precedent here!
Rachel said,
May 15, 2009 at 10:40 am
I highly recommend Here Comes the Bride by Jaclyn Geller to anyone who is considering marriage as an option. It’s one of those books that makes you rethink convention and tradition… It’s also giving me some ideas about going through a more elaborate ceremony. I am not sure yet if I’ll do it but we’ll see.
In any rate, we can self-commit and commit to others but I no longer think that marriage is the way to go. Of course, it’s easy to dismiss marriage theoretically. It does come with oodles of benefits & privileges, so I might rethink the whole thing. I am pretty certain, though, that I don’t want a big, white wedding, so I wouldn’t have to worry about friends & family to give twice…