My story as a Single
Here is part of my story - the part that is relevant to choosing to remain single (you can read more about me on my About page, if you’re really that interested…). I hope that it will stimulate some discussion, especially around the notion of internalized singlism - the belief that there is something wrong with me because I am not coupled.Recovering from yet another relationship breakup, I am slowly getting my bearings back. This one was so promising! I thought I really had found The One this time! And then, poof, it all blew up - no magic here. Again. Maybe I am just not made for a relationship. Or maybe I just keep picking the wrong guys. Or maybe it just is time to build my life, of which I have done little. Although I am almost 40, my life so far has centered around two things: my divorce and my son. The divorce started shortly after my son was born. He is now 16. Yes, I know, it’s a darn long divorce. Tell me about it. And it’s still not over - but that’s another story…
So, maybe it’s time to build my life now, to really look at what I want to do, to embrace being single, to give up on the dream of riding into the sunset with my savior. I’ve found some joy in singlehood before. Funny thing is, whenever I start enjoying myself, I end up in a relationship. As if I am trying to distract myself. It’s scary to walk life by yourself when everybody around you seems coupled. My parents have been married forever. Their friends are married. Their brothers and sisters are married, except an aunt who is somewhat eccentric and an uncle who committed suicide. No wonder I have the notion in my head that I should be coupled, that being single is just an interim state. It is slowly but surely dawning on me that maybe it’s time to come out as single. Yes, just like gays and lesbians had to consciously proclaim their otherness, their homosexuality, it’s time for me to embrace being single, to consciously proclaim that I am single and that I want to build my life as a single woman. I am not waiting for a guy to carry me off. I am not waiting for a soulmate anymore. It’s scary, yes, but it’s also liberating. And, yes, the conventional house of cards is collapsing onto me, driving home self-doubt: Can I really be happy and single? Well, I’ve proven several times now that I can be really unhappy coupled, so why not try being single for a change? Maybe that’ll work better. Maybe I’ll actually be happy when I am very obviously in control of my happiness instead of pretending someone else is. Yes, there’s the little voice in my head that whispers that this might make me a better partner. Maybe. I guess there’s still some social learning to unlearn. And there is the expectation to let go off that I will find true fulfillment only through a partner: the internalized matrimania. I have spent 40 years building a life that I didn’t really choose. It’s time to start making my own bricks and start living!
And, yet, when I didn’t receive the I-still-love-you email from my former boyfriend, I notice disappointment. Somewhere in there, I still define my self-worth through the attention I get from men, boyfriends in particular. If they write short emails it must be because I am not worthy of a longer email. And I feel I have to prove to them that I am! With chagrin, I realize that I haven’t moved on from these internalized beliefs that I am somehow less of a human being when I am single; that I can only find true happiness through a relationship. As if building a relationship is a cakewalk. What myths surface when one pays attention! So, what is stopping me from truly embracing being single? Well, there is some positive stuff there: I have experienced the wonderful side of relationships, the sharing that goes on, the automatic companionship. All that comes at a price, again and again, and that price seems rather steep for the benefits. The longing remains, the longing for this sharing that I haven’t been able to duplicate anywhere else. Or maybe it’s just that I didn’t notice it with friends because somehow it’s expected there. It’s just what friends do. Finding a friend you can also have sex with seems to be the cherry on the cake; somehow that sex thing changes everything. As if it magically transforms everything and I’d live happily ever after. Only it is not true. And I know that. Yet, somewhere, the beliefs surrounding relationships have dug themselves deep into my psyche: internalized matrimania.
Then there are the negative things that keep me from happily single ever after. The fear that, deep down, there just must be something wrong with me because I cannot find a partner. It’s not normal. If only I could fix that one thing, miraculously the perfect partner would emerge and we’d live happily ever after. As if. The voice is there that nags that I am just trying to hide the fact that I am incapable of building a lasting relationship by becoming the posterchild single woman. The voice is whispering that it’s not really a choice, I didn’t reject anyone but I was rejected, so it is not for the right reasons and therefore there must be something wrong with me. That’s called twisted thinking in psychology. I’ll call it internalized singlism. It all boils down to one thing, though: There is something wrong with me. What that might be remains a mystery, a secret even to myself. And reality shows that I am not that horrible to be around because there are people who do enjoy my company. Imagine that. Repeatedly even. Maybe even my former boyfriend, less the sex part. And if not, I’ll enjoy life by myself, surrounded by friends.
Terri St. George said,
January 26, 2008 at 4:55 pm
I want to thank you for creating this website. I can related to so much of what you have written - especially your struggles with what you call “internalized matrimania.”
I too am a 40 year old single woman - never been married with no children. And while I love being single and have absolutely no interest in ever marrying, it can feel frightening going it alone - particlarly when everyone else is safely coupled-up. The key, I have found, is to surround yourself with enough single friends - your age, so that you don’t feel so abnormal and that you have a reliable source of social support. Don’t get me wrong, however, I love being in love and in relationships, but I determine the level of intimacy I’m comfortable with (no living together and no marriage). I currently am in a relationship but live with (as housemates) an ex who is my best friend. The arrangement is confusing and somewhat suspicous to most people, but I have long ago stopped caring what others think. I am different and will always live differently than others.
Best of luck to you in your happy singlehood and congrats! on your new website.
~Terri
H said,
May 2, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Very good blog. I have been divorced for 2 years now. I have 4 kids—the youngest is 3 and the oldest is 12. Younger than that when the hubby walked out on me. After 13 years of marriage, I thought I needed to get remarried immediately. Like someone please help me find a replacement hubby right now!! I had my whole life mapped out and I was for sure not going to raise 4 kids by myself. I was the wife from Leave it to Beaver. I cooked, cleaned, baked and even wore aprons according to themes and seasons. Isn’t that weird?? Well, my life took a crazy turn when my husband walked out the door. It was a total blindside for me, or maybe I was just not paying attention. I was too busy baking muffins, and coordinating his favorite foods at every meal. For the first year I was fairly desperate to find someone else. I immediately got into another relationship. I dated a LOT. I joined every single singles site you can imagine. It was my full time job to find a man. However, as time went on I began adjusting and getting used to being without a husband. I guess because I had an especially “strict” husband who really had a long list of expectations, it felt like being released from a prison. Although at first, I thought I would die without my husband in my life, I slowly began to enjoy my freedom and I was not so eager to give it up. I have actually had more than one man in the last 2 years ask me to marry him. I have even experienced love with a man who was more handsome than any man that I ever dated before in my whole life. He was probably the perfect man in every way, and yet for some reason I broke things off with him because I had reached a point where I knew deep down inside, I no longer want a husband. I guess I reached a point where I realized I just don’t need to be married. It doesn’t hold the same allure it once did. I choose to be single now, because, quite frankly I have found it far less stressful than being married.
Lisa said,
September 15, 2008 at 10:55 am
Thank you for your clear view of relationships, including the relationship we have with our selves! I’m over 50, but feel young , and unwilling to bury my identity in this 10 year old marriage. I’m in the process of separating, after years of living with an unhappy guy. Until recently, I’ve coped by escaping into reading but have finally managed to disentangle my finances from my husband’s and will soon be separating. Only two friends know about the separation, but I feel considerable subliminal pressure to disinter the marriage and pretend it ’s worth saving.
I’m over 50 and this is my second marriage. Today I heard a radio discussiion of September Songs: The Good News About Marriage in the Later Years by Maggie Scarf.. The book cites a study, such as one you described , that claims married people are happier. The study, Does Divorce Make People Happier, by Linda Waite, argues for marriage but was not peer reviewed. It made me uneasy listening to the callers describe how important it was to stick with marriage or how they came to realize how critical it is to find a marriage partner.
Your comment that happy people make happy marriages allowed me to define the circular logic of Waite’s argument and Scarf’s case studies. As a generally happy person, I expect to be happier when no longer married to an unhappy person despite simplistic psychological studies that warn otherwise.
Rachel said,
September 15, 2008 at 6:05 pm
Linda Waite is part of the pro-marriage movement… If you want to know more about her, check out Bella DePaulo’s book Singled Out. Here’s how Nancy Polikoff summarized Bella’s research: “Social psychologist Bella DePaulo critiqued the assertions in Waite and Gallagher’s The Case for Marriage. Her book, Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored and Still Live Happily Ever After, presents omitted data from studies Waite and Gallagher relied on and data from other research. She calls their claim that getting married and staying married is the means to health, happiness, and long life ‘ethically reckless.’” (75)
singular said,
October 28, 2008 at 5:00 am
Maybe being single means not being jerked around so much. You can make plans. You can stop “walking on eggs.” You can go out, stay home, listen to your children, and indulge your own interests instead of tagging along with those of your spouse. When you clean something, it stays clean–at least until the kids or pets get to it.