My Mind on Chronic Dis-Ease

Watching my mind as it reacts to my fatigue these days is rather amusing. Well, at least it’s interesting. In mid-May, i found out that my numbers are off – my hypothyroidism isn’t fully compensated by the medicine i am taking and i am now going through the frustratingly slow adjustment of dosage during which i have symptoms while my body adjusts to a higher dosage. I am guessing that on top of that my allergies are acting up – after all this is the season for allergies. At bottom, though, i don’t really know exactly what is happening and that’s what drives my mind crazy.

I can watch my mind desperately trying to avoid the not knowing. Last week, i thought it might be the people i hang out with – or rather it’s how i shut down, disconnect, and not remain authentic when i am around certain people. I uncovered that i hide in this inauthenticity because i am terrified to lose connections and ultimately to lose love. It’s draining to live this way. And something must have caused this further deterioration of my thyroid! And the throat chakra is connected with both the thyroid and authentically expressing ourselves. I am not sure if i believe in something like chakras, though reading about this made me take note. I have been less forthcoming than i enjoy with fully expressing when i’ve had enough of listening to the same old story (my own included!). Instead of sharing my interpretations of what might be going on, i stick to reflecting feelings & needs, which often doesn’t get to the bottom of things. I’ve been hiding behind the mask again – the mask of inauthenticity. So, i’ve started to speak up – clumsily, not very connecting, with a lot of fear. And my fatigue didn’t just disappear.

So, it must be my thyroid! After all my TSH is way high (TSH is the basic measure of thyroid functioning) – at least for me. Unfortunately, it takes a while to adjust to a higher thyroid hormone dosage. And then there are all those whys: Why didn’t i notice anything – i only realized things were off when i got the results of the blood test; usually i notice symptoms beforehand, where there no symptoms? Why did my thyroid deteriorate further? Does that have something to do with living in San Francisco? Maybe it’s the fog? Why am i feeling the fatigue only a few weeks after i saw the numbers? And on and on my mind goes… Wanting to understand, wanting to know exactly what’s going on.

Then this morning, i noticed that the lymph nodes at the top of my neck are swollen (i think these are the submandibular lymph nodes…). Allergies! Of course! That makes me tired, too! Maybe it’s allergies that are behind my fatigue… They are a little less swollen now after i took the allergy meds.

Clearly, my mind is trying to find one cause, as trained in linear thinking that it is. When i stop and really think about it, i realize that it’s probably all of the above and maybe some other things that i haven’t even noticed yet. And it’s also a system: Lacking vitamin D makes me more tired, the fog is preventing vitamin D absorption (and triggers mold-growth, which triggers my allergies) and vitamin D is important for thyroid functioning, which is important for bodily support with allergies, which are an autoimmune dis-ease, just like hypothyroidism, which is triggered by stress, like the stress of not fully expressing myself, or traveling half-way across the world. It’s all interrelated.

Ultimately, i think my mind is simply trying to figure this out to be able to better take care of myself. Yes, there’s aversion, too. It sucks to be feeling this tired and no amount of sleep is compensating it. I’d rather have my energy back! And yet, right now, this is how i feel. It’s hard to accept. And i don’t know what i can do to feel differently. That’s also hard to accept. And, yet, accepting all this might be one of the few things that will actually help right now – because fighting reality is surely draining!

Update: About a month later, I found out that the medication to treat the hypothyroidism was likely subpotent. That explains the strange increase in TSH…

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My Mind on Chronic Dis-Ease — 3 Comments

  1. Rachel – it’s been 10 days since you posted so I hope that your thyroid meds have started to kick in. It takes about 3 or 4 weeks I think to feel some benefit. I’m on them but because of my neurological problems.

    I’m extremely tired 100% of the day and all I can recommend is to PACE yourself so you don’t try to do too much while you have no energy. Plus one big thing is to “live in the moment”. If you’re feeling really bad one day (eg. overdoing it the day before) just do things within your lilmit and try to enjoy yourself while you’re doing it. So if you’re bad and you are just watching TV, try to actually enjoy it rather than feel bad that youi’d prefer to be doing XYZ etc etc. Know what I mean?

    If you want to discuss this more – hypothyroidism and anything else – just email me. You know my email address from the Footloose group.

    Hope you are slowly getting your energy back :-)

    • Dear Yolanda: Thank you SO much for checking in with me! Yes, my thyroid seems to have stabilized again – i’ll find out next week after my TSH gets check…

      And i’ve been learning a lot through this, especially pacing myself and living in the moment. Plus, i am enjoying napping ;-)

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