I can watch my mind desperately trying to avoid the not knowing. Last week, i thought it might be the people i hang out with – or rather it’s how i shut down, disconnect, and not remain authentic when i am around certain people. I uncovered that i hide in this inauthenticity because i am terrified to lose connections and ultimately to lose love. It’s draining to live this way. And something must have caused this further deterioration of my thyroid! And the throat chakra is connected with both the thyroid and authentically expressing ourselves. I am not sure if i believe in something like chakras, though reading about this made me take note. I have been less forthcoming than i enjoy with fully expressing when i’ve had enough of listening to the same old story (my own included!). Instead of sharing my interpretations of what might be going on, i stick to reflecting feelings & needs, which often doesn’t get to the bottom of things. I’ve been hiding behind the mask again – the mask of inauthenticity. So, i’ve started to speak up – clumsily, not very connecting, with a lot of fear. And my fatigue didn’t just disappear.
So, it must be my thyroid! After all my TSH is way high (TSH is the basic measure of thyroid functioning) – at least for me. Unfortunately, it takes a while to adjust to a higher thyroid hormone dosage. And then there are all those whys: Why didn’t i notice anything – i only realized things were off when i got the results of the blood test; usually i notice symptoms beforehand, where there no symptoms? Why did my thyroid deteriorate further? Does that have something to do with living in San Francisco? Maybe it’s the fog? Why am i feeling the fatigue only a few weeks after i saw the numbers? And on and on my mind goes… Wanting to understand, wanting to know exactly what’s going on.
Then this morning, i noticed that the lymph nodes at the top of my neck are swollen (i think these are the submandibular lymph nodes…). Allergies! Of course! That makes me tired, too! Maybe it’s allergies that are behind my fatigue… They are a little less swollen now after i took the allergy meds.
Clearly, my mind is trying to find one cause, as trained in linear thinking that it is. When i stop and really think about it, i realize that it’s probably all of the above and maybe some other things that i haven’t even noticed yet. And it’s also a system: Lacking vitamin D makes me more tired, the fog is preventing vitamin D absorption (and triggers mold-growth, which triggers my allergies) and vitamin D is important for thyroid functioning, which is important for bodily support with allergies, which are an autoimmune dis-ease, just like hypothyroidism, which is triggered by stress, like the stress of not fully expressing myself, or traveling half-way across the world. It’s all interrelated.
Ultimately, i think my mind is simply trying to figure this out to be able to better take care of myself. Yes, there’s aversion, too. It sucks to be feeling this tired and no amount of sleep is compensating it. I’d rather have my energy back! And yet, right now, this is how i feel. It’s hard to accept. And i don’t know what i can do to feel differently. That’s also hard to accept. And, yet, accepting all this might be one of the few things that will actually help right now – because fighting reality is surely draining!