My Mind is On My Mind

Not sure if it is my regular practice of writing morning pages, all the inner work i’ve been doing, or my general increased self-awareness, whatever it is, i have been noticing some interesting tendencies in my mind. It seems bend on proving my core beliefs – there is something wrong with me and i don’t matter. To do that, it scans the environment trying to find that proof. And then it turns everything around to use as proof. Someone looks at me without a smile, my mind interprets it as judgmental. Someone doesn’t email me for a day or two. They don’t care about me. It dismisses phone calls with four people, using not getting a hug as proof of my unworthiness. Useful feedback is twisted to become attacks on my very being.

It’s starting to be funny to watch. Okay, yes, i often still get pulled in. I am hoping, though, that having more awareness of my minds tendency will help me to counteract it more. Because deep down, somewhere in the crevasses of my system, i know that i am worthy, that i matter. And i also know that there isn’t some horrible dark thing hidden somewhere in my psyche that will scare people away when they find it. Yet, my mind’s scanner is still looking for proof of these old core beliefs. And maybe that’s just how the mind works…






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