Judging My Vision

As i was putting together the post sharing my end-in-view, i could already hear my inner critic howling: What’s your problem? You’re just lazy – just get off your ass! You should just move into a community! Why aren’t you doing anything to move toward your vision?!?

That last one is one of the questions that i’ve been grappling with as i’ve been working on my vision: What keeps me stuck? It seems like i keep visioning – and am afraid to turn the vision into reality.

I try to accept that i am scared. I am scared of fully stepping out of mainstream. I am scared of getting hurt. I am scared of an experiment that does not have a certain outcome. I am still longing for the support of others, for some sort of safety net that’ll catch me if i fall. When i fall.

Yet, there is no certainty. My recent hypothyroidism episode taught me that much. I cannot even control the quality of the medications i am taking. Trust can be misplaced with painful consequences.

And then i am stuck. Unable to let go of my stuff that makes moving such a hassle. Unable to let go of the beliefs that i cannot live differently, that i am too old for a change, that i am just too lazy to make a change. Unable to convert my vision into reality. Unable to let go of the fear, to just jump into the stream of life.

Not fully understanding why i am stuck and getting increasingly more frustrated with myself, my mind also points out all those people who seem to be able to do what i long to do – often without a support network. How do they do this? Why can they do it and i can’t? What gives them courage? What am i missing?

And so it continuous, my live experiment – raising more questions than i have answers to. Although didn’t Einstein say something about the importance of asking well-formulated questions? Well, actually he said a few things about questions:

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is to not stop questioning.

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.

Time to get curious…

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