I wrote in the post that i had hesitated to write the post. I didn’t mention that it’s been months since i had thought about writing a post like this or a variation of it. Having finally done it, i felt liberated to finally have shared my painful truth! And with that came something else important: Acceptance. As someone had told me when i was struggling with something similar: Let energy flow where it’s easy! I had forgotten that again and was trying to make water flow upstream. That’s exhausting. So accepting that i just won’t be part of the in-group and that this doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with me felt liberating.
Which leads me to the side note. I wrote:
If there’s something wrong with me, i am in control again because i can change whatever is wrong with me (although what that something is eludes me but if i ruminate hard enough on it, i’ll figure it out! Those of you who know something about depression will recognize this as a sure way to get into depression).
At a very helpful workshop on mindfulness and depression, i learned that the problem underlying depression is rumination. The function of this rumination is problem solving – except that in this case the problem is unsolvable! So we get stuck in an unsolvable problem and get more and more resigned because we can’t find a solution. That had happened to me! One of my strongest core beliefs is “there is something wrong with me.” My mind tells me that if i can only figure out that “something,” i can change it and voila everything will be fine. The problem is: There is no something! The way out of this painful cycle is to surrender and to let go of our attempts to control the situation. I cannot make people like me or want me to be part of their group. They might not even know what they’re doing! After all, i’ve caught myself doing the same only after my experience: I am drawn to some people and not to others. In most cases, i wouldn’t be able to fully articulate why that is since that usually happens early on in a connection. And it probably is just as painful and confusing to those people as it is to me. However, i am beginning to accept that this is just the way things are. And in that acceptance is more liberation.