I had trouble getting out of bed this morning. Only having a full agenda got me out of bed rather than staying there nurturing my self-pity or anxiety, whatever it is. None of the excuses for avoiding my morning walk were convincing even to the me that didn’t want to walk. So, my morning routine kicked in still mentally struggling with wondering if I am smart enough to be back in school. I only have evidence against that doubt from one class so far. Still waiting to hear on the other exams. And even with that class, the little dragon in my head keeps whispering that this was just a fluke the real me will soon be discovered – and she’s a failure. What’s really tugging at my soul – and that’s not meant in a religious sense but rather as a short way of referring to that which at least seems to be there beyond the material of our neurons firing, maybe consciousness would be a better term but that doesn’t sound as good during an existential struggle – what is really tugging at my soul is the realization that I’ve taken too many wrong turns in my life, that I am really not where I would like to be and the fear, sometimes overwhelming, that it’s too late to get back on my path now that I have somewhat of a sense what that path might be. And I am hitting all the social no-nos. Here I am a 40-something single woman going back to school – I am not supposed to do that! I am supposed to be happily married with 2.5 kids, established in my fulfilling career, owning a beautiful home. I don’t have any of that! I am happily single, changing careers, and renting. I have a child but he’s an adult now, so even that I’ve done backwards by having him way earlier than social norm. But, again, what’s tugging at my soul is the fear that it’s too late to change course. Maybe it’s true that we don’t learn as well when we’re older and what am I doing pursuing a philosophy degree – that’s irresponsible! I can’t make money with that! And then, I am choosing to be single. How dare I! That’s too uppity even for a feminist (I might explain that in an upcoming post – why do I think choosing to be single is uppity?).
All that, or some less articulated version of it, went through my head as I was putting on my exercise clothes. I headed out the door. And then I saw the writing on the sidewalk: Jesus loves you! “Well, at least someone loves me,” went through my head, almost immediately followed by a realization. In our hypercompetitive world where a person is only good enough if she achieves by the social standards set by who knows whom, self-love is a rarity. The only way we can get unconditional love is through an imaginary being (God) or through a dead and decomposed guy (Jesus). And this acceptable form of self-love – for if God and Jesus cannot really love you because they don’t exist, this is a form of self-love – has subverted a possibly healthier way of taking care of the self practiced in ancient philosophy. Michel Foucault put the shift this way (284):
In the Greco-Roman world, the care of the self was the mode in which individual freedom – or civic liberty, up to a point – was reflected as an ethics. [...] the theme of the care of the self thoroughly permeated moral reflection. [...] in our societies on the other hand, at a time that is very difficult to pinpoint, the care of the self became somewhat suspect. Starting at a certain point, being concerned with oneself was readily denounced as a form of self-love, a form of selfishness or self-interest in contradiction with the interest to be shown in others or the self-sacrifice required.
Jesus loves you instead of know thyself. Self-sacrifice instead of self-love. And we’re not talking about the narcissistic self-love here, we are talking about a healthy amount of self-love that counteracts the doubts of inadequacy I was struggling with and suspect many others who are venturing off the beaten path are struggling with (heck, even people who are on the beaten path). Rather than loving ourselves, we’re supposed to love God or Jesus or both and then sacrifice ourselves in their name. Only that way do we get back a self-love substitute, God’s or Jesus’ love. No wonder that so many people flock to religions! Existential angst is part of our world – we no longer learn to counter-act it by becoming a virtuous person grounded in a deep love for and knowledge of ourselves.
Maybe if we listen to the ancients some more, we can relearn how to find our way to happiness. Maybe if we cultivate healthy self-love again, we’ll see less of the unhealthy kind, which leads to destruction both of the economy and the environment. Maybe if we reconnect with ourselves, our dreams and start knowing ourselves again, we might have to buy less stuff to fill the existential hole. The planet could sure use that kind of a value-shift. So could we.
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