When i ended a call with a female friend, i declared “i love you!” No, i am not coming out as a lesbian. I am simply getting more comfortable expressing my love where it flows, moving beyond the idea that such expressions are reserved to couples. Just like the ring finger on my left hand isn’t reserved for a wedding band. I was excited about this new expansion of my horizon and the deepening of the friendships i am nurturing. Then i realized that i don’t (yet) have that comfort to express the same with my male friends. Somehow saying … Continue reading »
Jul 192011
Jun 032011
I live about 20 minutes walk from the ocean. In the last few days, i’ve walked there frequently since we’ve had some nice weather in the evenings – sunny but cool. A couple of days ago, i decided once i got to the beach that it was a tad to cold to sit and stare into the water, so i walked along the beach. As i was walking, i stopped every once in a while to look at the waves. I knew roughly when the sun was going to set, so i timed my walk to be back at a … Continue reading »
I am so excited to let you know that Bella DePaulo has edited a new book that was just published: Singlism: What It Is, Why It Matters, and How to Stop It. The list of contributors is very diverse and includes me! I am so excited to see my work find its way into such a great compilation of work on singles’ issues and rights. My contributions include suggestions of how we can counteract the internalized singlist voices we might be struggling with because we live in a couplemanic society. And some musings on what to do when we’re not … Continue reading »
When i found out that the law-firm that was supposed to defend DOMA for the House withdrew, i posted the story to my Facebook page with the following comment: “I guess DOMA is doomed! Time to stop defending an outdated institution!” A friend of mine emailed me reflecting that my comment could be read as dismissing or downplaying the struggles of the LGBT movement. With his permission, i would like to respond more publicly since his reaction warrants addressing – because it reflects my reflections on this issue but also because i see several underlying assumptions that i would like … Continue reading »
Apr 132011
Brené Brown talks about a culture of shame. I didn’t quite understand this. How does this culture shame us? Then, today, the juxtaposition of what i am studying – singlism and shame – and my personal experience helped me understand the mechanism. The primary shaming message of singlism is: You are not good enough because you are not married. And that message – “you are not good enough because you don’t meet standard x” – is all around us. We are not recognized as who we are. We are recognized as how well we conform to an external standard, whether … Continue reading »
The other day, I reached out to someone to offer her to chat about how to be happily single. She responded that she doesn’t want to choose to be single – as I have – she wants to be partnered. Then, in another context, I was asked what message I have for single women who are frustrated by being single. I started to wonder if any of the tools I am using could help people who would prefer to be in a romantic relationship (my current preferred way of describing what most people simply call “a relationship”). I think they … Continue reading »
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