Recovering from yet another relationship breakup, I am slowly getting my bearings back. This one was so promising! I thought I really had found The One this time! And then, poof, it all blew up – no magic here. Again. Maybe I am just not made for a relationship. Or maybe I just keep picking the wrong guys. Or maybe it just is time to build my life, of which I have done little. Although I am almost 40, my life so far has centered around two things: my divorce and my son. The divorce started shortly after my son was born. He is now 16. Yes, I know, it’s a darn long divorce. Tell me about it. And it’s still not over – but that’s another story…
So, maybe it’s time to build my life now, to really look at what I want to do, to embrace being single, to give up on the dream of riding into the sunset with my savior. I’ve found some joy in singlehood before. Funny thing is, whenever I start enjoying myself, I end up in a relationship. As if I am trying to distract myself. It’s scary to walk life by yourself when everybody around you seems coupled. My parents have been married forever. Their friends are married. Their brothers and sisters are married, except an aunt who is somewhat eccentric and an uncle who committed suicide. No wonder I have the notion in my head that I should be coupled, that being single is just an interim state. It is slowly but surely dawning on me that maybe it’s time to come out as single. Yes, just like gays and lesbians had to consciously proclaim their otherness, their homosexuality, it’s time for me to embrace being single, to consciously proclaim that I am single and that I want to build my life as a single woman. I am not waiting for a guy to carry me off. I am not waiting for a soulmate anymore. It’s scary, yes, but it’s also liberating. And, yes, the conventional house of cards is collapsing onto me, driving home self-doubt: Can I really be happy and single? Well, I’ve proven several times now that I can be really unhappy coupled, so why not try being single for a change? Maybe that’ll work better. Maybe I’ll actually be happy when I am very obviously in control of my happiness instead of pretending someone else is. Yes, there’s the little voice in my head that whispers that this might make me a better partner. Maybe. I guess there’s still some social learning to unlearn. And there is the expectation to let go off that I will find true fulfillment only through a partner: the internalized matrimania. I have spent 40 years building a life that I didn’t really choose. It’s time to start making my own bricks and start living!
And, yet, when I didn’t receive the I-still-love-you email from my former boyfriend, I notice disappointment. Somewhere in there, I still define my self-worth through the attention I get from men, boyfriends in particular. If they write short emails it must be because I am not worthy of a longer email. And I feel I have to prove to them that I am! With chagrin, I realize that I haven’t moved on from these internalized beliefs that I am somehow less of a human being when I am single; that I can only find true happiness through a relationship. As if building a relationship is a cakewalk. What myths surface when one pays attention! So, what is stopping me from truly embracing being single? Well, there is some positive stuff there: I have experienced the wonderful side of relationships, the sharing that goes on, the automatic companionship. All that comes at a price, again and again, and that price seems rather steep for the benefits. The longing remains, the longing for this sharing that I haven’t been able to duplicate anywhere else. Or maybe it’s just that I didn’t notice it with friends because somehow it’s expected there. It’s just what friends do. Finding a friend you can also have sex with seems to be the cherry on the cake; somehow that sex thing changes everything. As if it magically transforms everything and I’d live happily ever after. Only it is not true. And I know that. Yet, somewhere, the beliefs surrounding relationships have dug themselves deep into my psyche: internalized matrimania.
Then there are the negative things that keep me from happily single ever after. The fear that, deep down, there just must be something wrong with me because I cannot find a partner. It’s not normal. If only I could fix that one thing, miraculously the perfect partner would emerge and we’d live happily ever after. As if. The voice is there that nags that I am just trying to hide the fact that I am incapable of building a lasting relationship by becoming the posterchild single woman. The voice is whispering that it’s not really a choice, I didn’t reject anyone but I was rejected, so it is not for the right reasons and therefore there must be something wrong with me. That’s called twisted thinking in psychology. I’ll call it internalized singlism. It all boils down to one thing, though: There is something wrong with me. What that might be remains a mystery, a secret even to myself. And reality shows that I am not that horrible to be around because there are people who do enjoy my company. Imagine that. Repeatedly even. Maybe even my former boyfriend, less the sex part. And if not, I’ll enjoy life by myself, surrounded by friends.
I want to thank you for creating this website. I can related to so much of what you have written – especially your struggles with what you call “internalized matrimania.”
I too am a 40 year old single woman – never been married with no children. And while I love being single and have absolutely no interest in ever marrying, it can feel frightening going it alone – particlarly when everyone else is safely coupled-up. The key, I have found, is to surround yourself with enough single friends – your age, so that you don’t feel so abnormal and that you have a reliable source of social support. Don’t get me wrong, however, I love being in love and in relationships, but I determine the level of intimacy I’m comfortable with (no living together and no marriage). I currently am in a relationship but live with (as housemates) an ex who is my best friend. The arrangement is confusing and somewhat suspicous to most people, but I have long ago stopped caring what others think. I am different and will always live differently than others.
Best of luck to you in your happy singlehood and congrats! on your new website.
~Terri
Very good blog. I have been divorced for 2 years now. I have 4 kids—the youngest is 3 and the oldest is 12. Younger than that when the hubby walked out on me. After 13 years of marriage, I thought I needed to get remarried immediately. Like someone please help me find a replacement hubby right now!! I had my whole life mapped out and I was for sure not going to raise 4 kids by myself. I was the wife from Leave it to Beaver. I cooked, cleaned, baked and even wore aprons according to themes and seasons. Isn’t that weird?? Well, my life took a crazy turn when my husband walked out the door. It was a total blindside for me, or maybe I was just not paying attention. I was too busy baking muffins, and coordinating his favorite foods at every meal. For the first year I was fairly desperate to find someone else. I immediately got into another relationship. I dated a LOT. I joined every single singles site you can imagine. It was my full time job to find a man. However, as time went on I began adjusting and getting used to being without a husband. I guess because I had an especially “strict” husband who really had a long list of expectations, it felt like being released from a prison. Although at first, I thought I would die without my husband in my life, I slowly began to enjoy my freedom and I was not so eager to give it up. I have actually had more than one man in the last 2 years ask me to marry him. I have even experienced love with a man who was more handsome than any man that I ever dated before in my whole life. He was probably the perfect man in every way, and yet for some reason I broke things off with him because I had reached a point where I knew deep down inside, I no longer want a husband. I guess I reached a point where I realized I just don’t need to be married. It doesn’t hold the same allure it once did. I choose to be single now, because, quite frankly I have found it far less stressful than being married.
Thank you for your clear view of relationships, including the relationship we have with our selves! I’m over 50, but feel young , and unwilling to bury my identity in this 10 year old marriage. I’m in the process of separating, after years of living with an unhappy guy. Until recently, I’ve coped by escaping into reading but have finally managed to disentangle my finances from my husband’s and will soon be separating. Only two friends know about the separation, but I feel considerable subliminal pressure to disinter the marriage and pretend it ‘s worth saving.
I’m over 50 and this is my second marriage. Today I heard a radio discussiion of September Songs: The Good News About Marriage in the Later Years by Maggie Scarf.. The book cites a study, such as one you described , that claims married people are happier. The study, Does Divorce Make People Happier, by Linda Waite, argues for marriage but was not peer reviewed. It made me uneasy listening to the callers describe how important it was to stick with marriage or how they came to realize how critical it is to find a marriage partner.
Your comment that happy people make happy marriages allowed me to define the circular logic of Waite’s argument and Scarf’s case studies. As a generally happy person, I expect to be happier when no longer married to an unhappy person despite simplistic psychological studies that warn otherwise.
Linda Waite is part of the pro-marriage movement… If you want to know more about her, check out Bella DePaulo’s book Singled Out. Here’s how Nancy Polikoff summarized Bella’s research: “Social psychologist Bella DePaulo critiqued the assertions in Waite and Gallagher’s The Case for Marriage. Her book, Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored and Still Live Happily Ever After, presents omitted data from studies Waite and Gallagher relied on and data from other research. She calls their claim that getting married and staying married is the means to health, happiness, and long life ‘ethically reckless.’” (75)
Maybe being single means not being jerked around so much. You can make plans. You can stop “walking on eggs.” You can go out, stay home, listen to your children, and indulge your own interests instead of tagging along with those of your spouse. When you clean something, it stays clean–at least until the kids or pets get to it.
The life well lived entails daily intentionality. That’s what this says to me. Why do we choose certain lifestyles? What values do we demonstrate in our daily spheres? Thank you for sharing so much of your journey
Rachel, Rachel, I’ve been thinking….what a good world this would be…
Hi there, Rachel. That song must be about 50 years old! I don’t know why they taught it to us as kids, but it just popped into my head.
I’ve been single my whole life, and have NEVER felt lonely,…..well, except for that six months or so that I spent living with someone. That was the loneliest time of my life. I had five or six completely different sets of friends and he told me he didn’t like ANY of them, but he had none of his own. He really wanted us to get married and for me to want to be with only him, and to only want to go out alone, with him, or not at all, so he could feel secure and then go and do all the things HE wanted to do.
Married People become really upset seeing how happy I am being single. I travel all over the world, going rock climbing, whitewater rafting, and bicycle touring or spending months helping out children orphaned after natural disasters, animals orphaned after their mothers are killed for just one small body part. I couldn’t do all of those things if I were married with kids.
I make an effort to speak the language of every country I visit, and people take me in, fix food for me, take me sightseeing…it’s SO great!
People back home who don’t know about all that, will meet and feign sympathy for my “situation”, saying, “awww….you don’t have a man of your own?” as if that person of their own is a pill that cured all their ills. If that were true, the internet dating sites wouldn’t be filled with anonymous married people. Women wouldn’t immerse themselves in shoe purchases and food obsessions, and men wouldn’t be keeping escorts in business.
In any case, there is a group on Facebook called “marriage sucks”. I joined it, then realized that too many of it’s members are bitter after divorces. I’m not bitter at all, so I started my own group that is intended to be less about hateful profanity and more about intelligent discussion. It’s called “Marriage is a Fairy Tale” (though I may change the name….still thinking on it ) COme join us!!
Dear Rachel,
I stumbled across your blog while searching for an answer to “is marriage natural?” oddly enough it seems not many people ask themselves that question. I have been married for 4 years, and have resisted the idea thoroughly since the beginning of my marriage, part consciously, part unconsciously. the conscious part was in constantly finding flaws in my husband, and feeling that he is not “the one”, when I realized that he was not as I suspected everything I wanted or needed him to be. I think marriage for me was a socially accepted means of having children, and perhaps I chose the best possible person for that role. But it seems to me that there is no “the one” and once I realized that I sought different friendships (nothing else mind you!) with men and I have been happier from it.
I love how you say ‘”coupled” as though you were talking about animals on national geographic! yes marriage is an institution, and very unnatural indeed. But in my opinion you have confused not being married, with being alone. You can be unmarried, single and free, and date freely seeking at different times in your life the man who is suitable for that particular “you” in that place in time, and so on.There is no “the one” that fits the bill, because a human being is a complex individual, I don’t believe they are mutually exclusive, and once I have the courage to leave, I hope to do so myself.
Best Regards
Hi Tamara,
You might find a book interesting that came out this summer: Sex at Dawn. The co-authors tackle the question of whether monogamy is “natural” (it isn’t).
Regarding your comment that I “have confused not being married, with being alone:” There are lots of ways of being single. Unless you choose to be a hermit or seek out solitude none of them mean you’re alone. You can be single and date, too, of course, but that is not the path I have chosen for myself. Yet even though I don’t date, I am not alone. Single=alone is a stereotype I am fighting because it implies that we are alone if we’re not dating (in the context you raised it) or not married (in the cultural context). I will take a look at what I wrote above (a couple years ago) to see if there’s anything that I might’ve typed that might perpetuate that stereotype…
Dear Rachel,
thanks for your reply, I will definitely review the book you have recommended as I am constantly in the quest for answers myself.
The thing is I felt in your words and I quote “The fear that, deep down, there just must be something wrong with me because I cannot find a partner. It’s not normal. If only I could fix that one thing, miraculously the perfect partner would emerge and we’d live happily ever after.” that while you are intellectually resisting the premise of “the one” and you know that logically to be true, deep down perhaps we are all conditioned to believe that he or she exists and we haven’t found them. That is at least true for me, but at this point I am closer to the belief that the one is a big hoax and we can be in love at different stages of our lives with a person, who completes that part of ourselves, and when inevitably we change, because we are mutable, fluid beings, that person no longer fits the bill.
That is the formula I have so far come up with to be happy, to be free to complete our goals, with no ties to marriage as an institution, and yet date, find unbinding love and be complete being a parent. The theory is f course a work in progress and I can’t apply it because I am married. But can I ask why you don’t date? Is it because you haven’t found the person you wish to date or some other belief?
Many thanks
What you are quoting, I call “internalized singlism” – the cultural notions that we are incomplete when we don’t have a partner/aren’t coupled/married or aren’t dating.
I am not dating because I don’t have a need for it. I am perfectly happy the way I am and love being able to put my energy in things other than an intimate relationship that involves sex. I have lots of friends with whom I have intimate conversations. I get hugs from them. And support when I need it. I feel complete because all my needs are being met. So, there is no belief stopping me from dating. In fact, there was a belief driving me to date: The idea that I am incomplete and unlovable unless I date. That belief still creeps up sometimes but I now see it as the false messenger that it is.
Tamara seems to be tracking thoughtfully with Rachel’s ideas, but I just wanted to add that an additional point: I guess what we’re striving for is a world where whether you date or not is irrelevant, and where it’s not necessarily a choice that invites or requires explanation, sort of how no one would ever ask Rachel why she doesn’t do flower arranging.
I don’t happen to be dating right now because I can’t be bothered, but I might if the opportunity presented itself (and I weren’t busy with flower arranging). I don’t think it’s necessarily a particular choice I made or didn’t make. So I wouldn’t necessarily want to be asked why I don’t date.
But some people (Rachel maybe more so than I) do actually make a concerted choice not to date or to be single. If they state their choice proudly and upfront, then maybe that invites people to ask why–and opens up a conversation. So that’s great.
Tangent: Is it like asking someone why they’re a vegetarian? Is that actually a decent question or is it kind of invasive? I guess it depends on the context.
= )
Christina
Interesting comment Christina! I think in my case however I was simply asking Rachel why more as a source of introspection than anything else, I don’t actually find it odd at all that she doesn’t want to date, sometimes being single provides so many opportunities and allows us to discover ourselves both in life and at work.
But personally I find that I love dating, given the right person and the right circumstance of course. That also is a personal choice, and you are right no one should be accountable for either lifestyle choices as it is that person’s own prerogative. So my apologies if I seemed judgmental in any way.
Thanks, Tamara, for the (indirect) reminder that there are many ways of being single! Bella DePaulo calls one way “single at heart.” This is where i am at right now: I don’t want to date because there are all these other things i’d rather be doing with my life. And then, there are singles who enjoy being single but don’t mind to date (or more). The term “quirkyalone” might capture their singleness (here’s a comparison of the two). And, of course, there are singles who just absolutely hate being single and do whatever they can to become unsingle.
I suspect that many of us fall somewhere in between these categories – and there might even be more. To me what’s important is that we can choose what we prefer rather than being forced to conform with a cultural stereotype. Part of breaking down the stereotype, i think, requires us to be open about our choices. So, i am glad you asked, Tamara, for my reasons!
I like the word quirkyalone, but it seems it implies the belief in eternal love somewhere down the line, something which I have decided I’m definitely against! so maybe I should come up with a third definition?
Yes! And once you do, share it here…
Thank you, ladies! It is so great to hear what I suspected all my life, and finally experienced only last year (I am not being sarcastic).
Marriage isn’t for everyone. I never wanted to be married, but I certainly enjoy having someone to share my life with. Being single allows me to move on, easily, when it stops working. I blog about the joys and curiosities of being a never married, childfree woman and I am buoyed by the responses I get from friends and strangers (www.TheSpinsterliciousLife.com). Being single shouldn’t feel like a “sentence”; it can be really good.
Just stumbled across your blog and already have learned some new terminology and found some great resources including Bella DePaulo. I’m looking forward to reading her book. I’ve been single by choice for almost 4 years now since my divorce and the stigma is very much alive even in a city as laid back as Seattle. It was a hard road shedding the societal imprints of couplehood and it’s relation to self-worth, but I am much happier for having traversed it!
Thanks for your note, Rich! If you haven’t done so already, you might also want to check out Bella’s website at http://www.belladepaulo.com/. Lots more info to support us singles by choice in a couplemanic world!
Thank you, too, for acknowledging that even so-called progressive cities, like Seattle or San Francisco, are not beyond singlism. It is strange how revolutionary remaining single is…
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you! I have been in and out of many relationships (once married and two children) and I have found, (especially for women) that the “success” of your or any other woman’s relationship, is most often related to the level of compromise that you are willing to endure. I’m not talking about addicts or severely compromised emotional women, that’s a whole other beast. What I am talking about is this, women are under very many conditions that put them in a situation that, if they love a man and expect to have a future with that man, they are on consciously or sub-consciously expected to bend to that man’s will. I think if you have a very independent mind and spirit, women like us do not “succeed” in a life partner situation because of these very subtle underlying messages that we are still subjected to today. In the end, find what makes you happy, find whatever it is you need to make you happy right now because, in this life the things that make us happy change as we change. Embrace that and, be okay with that, THAT all on it’s own is an amazing accomplishment, to recognize who you are and the things you need to make you happy here in this moment , is a miracle. It is also a miracle, we can reproduce every day, as long as we can keep our minds clear and know that we alone have the key to our own happiness in every day that we are granted, you don’t NEED another person to find that every day, in some cases I believe that another person hinders that accomplishment.
Thanks, Paula! I think it might have been Karen Gail Lewis in “With or Without a Man” who pointed out that women, in general, have changed through the women’s movement and men haven’t caught up yet. Rather similar reasoning to yours – and i remember how validating it felt when i read it!
I still agree with this point and i wonder how much sexism plays into that as well. Because as women we are taught that our measure of success in life is the coupled relationship we have, we’re more likely to compromise. Some of us (i raise my hand wildly) aren’t that good at compromising
. The cool thing that i am experiencing: The less interested i become in a coupled relationship, the more i enjoy all of my relationships! And i think that ability flows directly out of what you beautifully called a miracle: our ability to embrace our life as it is!
Well done on deciding to be single. I remember when single being able to go on holiday to places I wouldn’t have been able to go to with a partner,and making new friends. I also joined a singles club and went on their events, which meant I didn’t feel as if I was going to everything on my own. You have much more freedom if you are single,e.g. can decorate your house how you like – no having to put it through the committee stage first. The only drawback i found was a tendency to overspend, especially with living in a city, as there’s no one to hold you back. I was able to get round the feeling of being too solitary by getting a lodger for a time. You can also be more successful at things when you are on your own because you haven’t got other people wanting you for something. Also deciding to be celibate can make life simpler too. Good luck with your choices..